Have you guys heard of the musical group called Cellophane?
They mostly wrap.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
Why did the man get so sad his computer had a virus?
It was a terminal illness.
Where do birch trees keep their jewelry? In the river bank.
Why did the skeleton have to testify in court?
Because he was a body of evidence.
What did the dog say when he had a bad day?
Today has been ruff.
What are a golfer’s favorite flowers?
Fore-get-me-nots.
My dog wants to be a tradesman.
I think he wants to be a woof-er.
This headlamp isn’t the only thing getting turned on tonight.
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
In an attempt to deter computer hackers I've changed all my passwords to 'Brazil Nut'
That will be a hard one to crack.
A crocodile tried to copy a rooster to wake his friends one morning, he went croc-a-doodle do.
When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!
Can I go to France this year? Of Corsican!
You know you're texting too much when...
you try to text, but you're on a landline!
How are snow boards and vacuum cleaners alike?
Both have dirt bags on board.
What is a vector’s favorite band? One Direction!
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigeratir are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all"- Joey Adams
When life gives you mold - make penicillin.
There's something wrong with my phone. It doesn't have your number in it.
What did the tiger say to her cub on his birthday?
It’s roar birthday!
What’s the ratio of a pumpkin’s circumference to its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
"Wine a little, laugh a lot."
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
Whats green and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog's finger! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
"Egg-ceedingly good, wouldn't you say?"
Windmills? I’m a huge fan!
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
"Went outside today. Very hot. There were bugs. Zero stars, would not recommend"
What should you do if a car is annoying you.
Give the car a head rest.
Why don’t snakes drink coffee?
Because it makes them viperactive.
Why did Hans cross the road alone?
Hans wanted to travel solo.
An owl had a sore throat but wasn't bothered.
He couldn't give a hoot.
When soup feels strained and stressed, where would it go? – A broth-el!
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
The fruit teacher taught figures of peach in today's class.
How do you know that beer makes you smarter?
Because it made bud wiser.
What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!
Hey, beautiful. Where have you been Haydn?
What do you get when you cross a cat and a sloth? A slow leopard.
Could I have your name and number for my prayer list?
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
What do you call a bodybuilder skeleton?
A musculoskeleton.
How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
How many chefs does it take to stuff a Thanksgiving turkey?
Only one and even then it’s a pretty tight squeeze!
Girl, you must be norepinephrine because you make my heart race.
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