. How can you easily identify a dogwood tree? By listening to the bark.
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap?
It was always on shale.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
I ran into my ex in town yesterday. Then I ran over him and backed up to run into him again.
A berry from which you can directly drink out of is a straw-berry.
“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
Will Rogers
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
The ghoul didn't get his letter on time because it got lost at the ghost office.
What happened when a farmer crossed a chili pepper, a shovel, and a pitbull? He got a hot-diggity-dog.
The food here is quite so-fish-ticated.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
What will you get if you cross an ice bear and a running tiger? Frostbite.
What do you call a guy that has good manners, bad hygiene, and an affinity for word play?
PunGent.
The only crime I will ever commit is stealing your heart.
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger
As I was preparing to leave the restaurant, the waiter said to me, “Do you wanna box for your leftover food?”
I said, “No thanks, but I’ll wrestle you for them.”
A young gourmet dining at Crewe,
Found a rather large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, Don't shout,
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too.
A 9 hour time difference wouldn't keep me from you.
My love for you is like cancer, it just keeps growing and growing.
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
I was thinking of making an investment on a new farming venture that feeds marijuana to cows instead of grass.
The steaks will be too high for sure.
What happened when the knife went for a drive?
It took a sharp turn.
If you need an Ark, I Noah guy.
I'd catalog you with the cookbooks because you look delicious.
Why don't gorillas vote?
They're ape-political.
Why do vampires need cold medicine?
For their coffin.
If you go out with me, I promise I won’t take you for granite.
Why was the Egyptian kid confused?
His daddy was his mummy!
What type of egg refuses to come out of his shell?
An egg-arophobic.
Why would the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch.
Bad saxophone players should be put on some kind of public list.
I want to know if I'm living next to a registered sax offender.
If it was 1984, and I was Big Brother, I'd only watch you.
What do you get if you cross a Triceratops with a kangaroo ? A Tricera-hops!
Sorry, I’m going to have to ask you to leave. You’re making the other girls look bad.
What did the two onions who were lovers say to each other before being separated? "Our love will forever go-nion on!"
Why didn’t the baby leave his momma?
Because he couldn’t bear it!
What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.
Wow, seeing you today Ezra-lly a treat!
What do you call a nervous witch?
A twitch.
Why do owls shower so often?
So they don’t smell fowl.
Your beauty is like Pi, never-ending.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
how I wonder where you are.
Giant thermonuclear reaction,
held by gravitational attraction.
Twinkle, twinkle little star,
you look small since you're so far!
How do you know when an avocado is ripe?
Talk literary to me.
My Physics teacher said I have no potential.
Joke's on her, I just bought a ladder.
What do you get if you cross a glow worm with a python? A 15 foot strip light that can strangle you to death.
“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
Jerry Seinfeld
Easter? I hardly even knew her.
Some people think it's okay to wear your mask over your mouth while not covering your nose.
They're mouthbreathers.
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