I want you to know I’m here for you no matter what, Alice. Tell me anything and Alice-en
Being related to me is the best birthday gift you could receive.
Why don't crabs give birthday presents?
Because they're just shellfish.
There's nothing humble about my warrior.
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
Are you a flower? Because I fell in love with you once and floral.
Newscaster Dad: And now, here is John with the weather.
Weatherman: It’s Jim, actually.
Newscaster: My apologies. Here’s John with the Jim.
You must put a lot of spices in your food because you look smoking hot.
What does a drunkard's mouth and a shirt have in common?
They are both 100% cotton.
What do emo birds call their mouths?
Bleaks.
Are you a firework?! Because your lighting up my eyes.
A spectator at a baseball game wondered why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then, it hit him.
Giraffe: The highest form of animal life.
Why do Communists only drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.
What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!
Did you hear about the dangerous alcoholic who consumed his booze from a sizzling Chinese frying pan?
He liked to drink risky on the woks
There was an Old Man of Aôsta,
Who possessed a large cow, but he lost her;
But they said, 'Don't you see
She has rushed up a tree?
You invidious Old Man of Aôsta!'
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
What is a favorite game for ghouls?
Chase!
There once was a man from kanass,
Who's nuts were made out of brass.
in stormy weather,
he'd clack them together,
and lightning shot out of his ass.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Icy.
Icy who?
You see me, do you need glasses or something?
Did you hear about the constipated crocodile?
It was a crockashit.
What’s black, dangerous and hides in trees?
A crow with a machine gun.
"I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. he other two are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves"
There was an Old Man of the Cape,
Who possessed a large Barbary ape,
Till the ape one dark night
Set the house all alight,
Which burned that Old Man of the Cape.
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium?
He just couldn’t put it down.
It is October and there are still leaves on trees. I am very corn-fused!
What’s that feeling you get every month when the mortgage is due?
Homesick.
Bus ticket inspectors: You’ve really got to hand it to them.
Hey, I think I could rock your world if you Dave me a chance…
They had us working like dogs at work after a storm
All I did was pick up sticks and bark.
What do we learn from cows, buffaloes and elephants?
It’s impossible to reduce weight by eating green grass and salads and walking.
A pony goes to see the doctor one day.
He says, "Doc, you've got to help me. I've had this terrible sore throat for weeks and I think there must be some badly wrong."
The doctor examines him and then reassures him saying, "It's okay, it's nothing serious; you're just a little horse."
My dog is sad after eating her favorite fruit and getting wet from the juice.
She's a watered melancholy watermelon collie.
What kind of humor did the Founding Fathers partake in?
Dad jokes.
“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock
“May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” —Anonymous
What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport? Plane Chocolate!
"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain
I wish I was a pronoun so I could be the direct object of your affection!
What does Bigfoot say when he sees campers in sleeping bags?
- Yum, Hot Pockets!
Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?
Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.
"How does it feel?"
she asks what.
"To be the only star in the sky.'
This event is sure to be out of bounds.
Crows go, listen, perform, and enjoy live music, at cawnsorts.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.
What does seaweed say when it's stuck at the bottom of the sea? "Kelp! Kelp!"
Where does wine catch up on all the vineyard dirt?
Through the grapevine.
Why did the penguin cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.
What do you get when you cross a frog with a rabbit?
A bunny ribbit.
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