What did the zoologist and the herbalist name their child? Tiger Woods.
I heard milk does the body good, but man, how much have you been drinking?
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
What did Communists use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.
What did one deoxygenated blood cell say to the other?
We're all in vain.
What kind of bears dissolve in water?
Polar bears.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two...
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days?
Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
How did the baby tell her mom that she had a wet diaper?
She sent her a pee-mail.
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon
I had an art contest with my friend.
It ended in a draw.
What did the orange say when a knife pierced it’s peel? Flesh wound.
We’ll have a splash-tastic time.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
My fat parrot escaped from its cage... To be honest, it's a weight off my shoulders!
An electrolyte and a solvent are talking in jail.
Solvent: What are you in for?
Electrolyte: A salt charge.
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
God made me pretty.
What happened to you?
“To make a difference in someone’s life you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect you just have to care enough and be there.”
— Unknown
Scientists have recently discovered a rare new element called Beautium. It looks like you are made of it.
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me young...
I could buy a lollipop.
How much did the pirate pay for his peg and hook?
An arm and a leg!
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.”
— Zig Ziglar
The US army secretly trains pigeons to help overthrow hostile foreign governments.
It’s a military coo.
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
My cell phone got drunk.
It took too many screenshots.
The sun is just a big space heater.
What’s it like to kiss a vampire?
A real pain in the neck!
What do you give prisoners for dessert? Jaily-Beans.
Hey, let’s go out some time! Olly’ven pay for everything
On scale of one to 10, you’re a poutine.
The stage is the most hygienic place in the world. Every time we turn on the lights they get a wash.
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
I know an untidy guy who’s excellent at playing soccer.
What a Messi guy.
That skeleton over there wanted to ask you for your number, but, unlike me, he didn’t have the guts
Do you squat here often?
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
I’ve always loved the name Alexandra. Should I call you Alexandra, Alex, Lexie, or mine?
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
If I freeze, it's not a computer virus. I was just stunned by your beauty.
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
I wasted my time on a vasectomy.
All it seemed to do was change the color of the baby.
How does a Spanish dog say Merry Christmas?
Feliz navi-dog.
What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?
April Fools! I'm not really dead!
How is a pig’s tail like 4 o’clock in the morning? It’s twirly.
What happens if you play a county song backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.
What’s Another Name For iPhone Chargers?
Apple Juice.
A boy lines up to get some apple juice and a girl lines up to get some orange juice
This would be funny but there’s no punchline.
What do planets like to read?
Comet books.
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