TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey.
What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?
Pulp fiction.
Why was the horse sad she didn’t get the job?
She was flanking on it.
What do you get if you cross Bossy with a vampire?
Dracowla.
What do you call a bacon wrapped dinosaur? Jurrasic Pork.
A man named Martin Draw was campaigning for the Senate. He printed up shirts saying “I’m with Draw” to support his campaign. The next day, he wore the shirt to a tennis tournament. When he walked up to the tournament desk, the director handed him his money back and asked him why he couldn’t play.
If you where a sheep I would clone you.
What does a bee do when it is extremely hot?
It takes off its yellow jacket!
When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.
What did the banana do when he saw a monkey? The banana split!
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!
The police came to arrest me after I tried to play my cat like a violin
They are charging me with Kitty Fiddling.
Where’s the best beach to buy sports gear at?
Jersey Shore.
“Sagittarians are aliens disguised as humans.”
— Ramana Pemmaraju
How do you tell someone winter is over?
You spring it on them!
How did the astronaut die?
exposure to Mercury.
Someone I know gave a really deep speech to convince me to go for a colonoscopy
What else can I say?
Something touched me deep inside.
“The average vacation is one-tenth playing—nine-tenths paying.”
–Arnold Glasow
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
[Bundled Up Guy] This is what you call man coverage.
What do you call a square that got into a car accident?
A rect-angle
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers.
Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
What does a vampire do after taking a shower?
It stands on a bat mat.
What do you call a cute donut?
A-dough-able.
Getting lucked up on St. Patrick’s Day.
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
Where’s a dolphin’s favorite place to drink?
A dive bar!
I got arrested because I left my car at the bar and took the bus home.
It turned out I was in no condition to drive that either.
Why did the ghost go to the bar? To get some boos.
My mom is really soup-rised at the outcome when she puts yeast in the broth.
I once dreamt of crossing a wide river...
But it ended up being just a ferry tale.
I'd love to see you s'more.
Opening a new shadow puppet theatre. Business plan says we'll make a fortune, but those are just projected figures.
What is a light bulb’s favorite kind of news?
Current events.
Overheard on a bus... What do you call a social hermit crab?
Just a crab.
Can you give me directions…to your heart?
Have you heard what happened to unemployed perfume makers?
They are not making any scents.
I like kittens, YEAH!
They are really fluffy, YEAH!
OMG KITTENS.
I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping onions which made me cry
Onions was a good dog
What do you call two fat people having a chat? A heavy discussion.
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
Can you hold my gloves for me? I usually wear them by the fireplace, but you are way hotter.
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
I threw a party for all the workers who helped build my house. The door guy showed up late...
...but he really knew how to make an entrance.
The scariest day of my life was when we ran into a bear taking a dump inside our campsite.
That sh** was in
What do you call a bear that jumps but never lands?
Peter Panda.
Chuck Norris has died.
He has since recovered from this mild inconvenience.
Why did the sponge wake up early?
To get the moist out of the day.
What do you call a fruit that doesn't take s**t from anyone? The top banana.
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