What do you call a slow skier?
A slopepoke!
I know an old owl named Boo,
Every night he yelled Hoo,
Once a kid walked by,
And started to cry,
And yelled I don't have a clue!
What’s black and white and as hard as a rock?
A panda that’s fallen in cement.
Wanna see a magic trick? Abrakadabra, you're single now.
What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog? He is mist.
"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
The tree got so tired of fighting with autumn, that he said, "Enough is enough! I'm leaf-ing".
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
My attitude isn't bad.
It's in beta phase.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite year?
A leap year.
I'm optimistically single.
My bed is half full.
What did one bread say to another after a long day? Don’t worry because tomorrow will be butter.
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
Chuck Norris is what Willis was talkin about.
What do you call it when someone hits avocados repeatedly with a hammer?
Gu-whack-a-mole-e.
R2D2 is the most obscene character in film history
They had to beep out every word he said.
Books are my kind of texts.
Which actor is now being quarantined for Swine Flu? Kevin Bacon
It’s so hot I almost called my ex so I could be around something shady.
What’s a Biblical happening for nuts?
“The nut-tivity.“
Why was the orange the valedictorian of her class?
She was the zest in class.
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
“If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it." ~Author Unknown
Why did the Sugar Maple have to go to the dentist? It really needed a root canal.
Where do math teachers normally like to go on summer vacation?
Times Square.
Where did the deer go to fix its tail?
The re-tail shop.
Did you hear about the aquarium owner?
His shark was worse than his pike.
What falls in the winter but never gets hurt?
Snow.
I would talk about Valentine’s Day
But it looks like I missed my date.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
Did you hear about the piglets who wanted to do something special for Mother’s Day?
They threw a sowprize party.
Q: What did the old orange see before it died?
A: The grim ripe-r.
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close. -- Mark Twain
Electric razors are the best thing since sliced beard.
What do you call a train that sneezes? Achoo-choo train.
Why did the lion cross the road?
He was bored of lion around.
When you see something red that goes up and down, chances are it is a strawberry in an elevator.
It's ice to meet you.
Excuse me, do you kiss strangers? No? Then let me introduce myself.
When were Medieval armies too tired to fight?
When they had a lot of sleepless knights!
Did you hear about the lowest grade of steak? It's where the rubber meats the road.
Why did the otter cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
Here’s my number. Send me a text when you’re ready to fall in love with me.
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
— Julia Child
You're so pharma-cute-ical!
I bought my wife a matching belt and bag for Valentine's Day
She should have that vacuum up and running in no time.
What type of dog doesn’t bark?
A hush puppy.
I went to a Halloween party wearing a pie shell and carrying a shepherds crook.
"What on earth are you supposed to be?" "I'm a spy" "A spy?. What kinda of spy wears a pie costume and carries a crook?"
A shepherds spy.
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