If a baby is born on a plane, i guess you could call it... airborn.
The manager at the bread store told the baker that he had to stop loafing around. The baker said that it was his job.
What do you call a stolen yam? A hot potato.
How do zombies introduce themselves?
- Pleased to eat you.
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
Girl, your chromosomes have combined beautifully.
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I am very disappointed.
We may be two ships that pass in the night, but I must have your number before you Ceylon.
Why don’t we go somewhere where I can stick a candle in your jack-o-lantern?
What is the best way for fungi to grow? You must give it as mushroom as possible!
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
What was the snail doing on the highway? About one mile a day!
What did the corn farmer give to his therapist?
An ear full.
Why don’t giraffes make good pets?
They’re too high maintenance.
I used to be engaged to a girl with a wooden leg.
But I broke it off.
What's the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize.
“During summer vacation, you get to do all your favorite things; cook hot dogs over a campfire (while being eaten alive by mosquitoes).”
– Bruce Lansky
What do donuts wear to weddings? Tuxe-doughs!
"Do you wake up as I do, having forgotten what it is that hurts or where, until you move?"
– Jeanette Winterson
“Saw a chameleon today so I'm assuming it wasn't a very good one." - Unknown Author
Who is a polar bear’s favorite musician?
Seal.
My dads astronaut friend ate pizza in space
He said it was out of this world.
We've reached the point of snow return.
What do sloths make when it snows? Slow Angels.
I had a girlfriend that went scuba diving...
One day I lobster and never flounder again.
You remind me of cheese... I want you on everything!
The arrogant baker declared, “You’ll never hear a complaint about my doughnuts outside this shop window.”
The customer agreed, “It must be the double glazing.”
The inventor of mosquito repellent likely did not know where to begin...
I guess he would have to start from scratch.
How does a volleyball team welcome their new neighbors? With a block party.
I was only taught 22 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know Y TBH.
How do you circumcise a whale?
You send down four skin divers.
Why are sponges such good listeners?
Because they soak up everything.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
What punishment do legs get in the medieval era?
decapita-shin
I used to hate my husband's cologne...
But then it started to rub off on me.
Who needs luck? I have charm.
I heard that starting next year, keyboards will no longer be sold with italics...
But it was a bold-faced lie.
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
I put some desks and a whiteboard in my living room today.
It made it look a little more classy.
What do you call a medieval horse in the army
A knight-mare
They say that the cardio system is the work of artery, but it is really just vein.
Did you hear that famous blonde haired actress has been stabbed? She's called Reese, Erm...
Witherspoon?
No, with a knife.
What did Dracula say when he saw a giraffe for the first time?
I’d like to get to gnaw you.
Did you hear about the flower who joined Tinder?
He just wants somebudy to love.
The winds of change started raining silver, copper, and gold coins.
What did one brain say to another?
I lobe you.
Why did king Minos put Minotaur inside a labyrinth?
He wanted to amaze his wife.
What stays on the ground but never gets dirty? Shadow.
"Yoda one for me."
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