Did you hear about the guy who overdosed on curry powder? He went into a korma.
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.
Now I have Heinzsight.
Hey Erin, ever heard that sharin’ is carin’? Care to share a meal together sometime?
What is an energy provider’s favorite dance?
The electric slide.
Wanna see my norwegian wood?
What did the horny woman say about her coffee?
That coffee’s not the only thing that’s hot and wet this morning.
What did the mountain say to the hill on Valentine's day?
You make my heart gush, I lava you.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, cows go MOO!
I must have a neurodegenerative disease because I’ve forgotten your number, cutie.
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy
I left my job at the keyboard factory today. To be honest, I had been looking for an Escape for a while.
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
What did the astronaut see in his frying pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object.
What’s the opposite of Himalayan salt?
Herastandin pepper.
What kind of fish do you catch with Gummy Worms?
Swedish Fish.
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
A crayon that looks like a strawberry is usually called a cranberry.
Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?
It was three feet deep on average.
I have a beer snob friend with Photophobia. He hates natural light.
What song was the peach listening to? 'Stronger with Peach Tear'.
Which car do sheep drive?
Su-baa-ru.
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
When you're around, every mall is a sky mall.
A fly and flea flew into a flue,
said the fly to the flea 'what shall we do?'
'let us fly' said the flea
said the fly 'shall we flee'
so they flew through a flaw in the flue.
Where do werewolf go if their tails fall off?
A re-tail store.
My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!
I enjoy throwing coins in the river and watching them. I like studying my cash flow.
What's Irish and stays out all night?
Paddy O'Furniture.
Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better
When does it start to rain money?
When there is change in the weather.
I walked into my sister's room and tripped on a bra... It was a booby trap.
What do you call a pony running in a circle? Centrifugal horse.
It's so hot that all the water buffalo at the zoo evaporated.
What sport do wasps love?
Sting-pong.
“What do you call an elf that runs away from Santa’s Workshop? A rebel without a Claus.”
Did you hear the joke about the germ? Never mind. I don't want to spread it around
“No matter how smart you are, you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.”
Anonymous
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the Fuh Cologne.
Why did the pun fail his English class?
He didn't use proper pun-ctuation!
Pan wants to lead his kind to rebellion, but...
He can't get no Satyr Faction.
Whenever my wife is upset I let her color in my black and white tattoos
She just really needed a shoulder to crayon
I'm fondue you, it's true
Apparently my password needs to be capitals only so I've changed it to LONDONMADRIDROME.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Holly
Holly who?
Holly-days are here again!
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
I had some impure water so I boiled the hell out of it and collected the condensation...
Now it’s wholly water.
What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.
How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
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