What do you call a medieval siege machine that throws flowers?
A trebouquet
What did the beaver tell the tree? It has really been nice gnawing you.
If you go out with me, I promise I won’t take you for granite.
The pirate steals arrrrt when he has the chance.
There was a young lady of Lynn,
Who was so excessively thin.
That when she assayed,
To drink lemonade,
She slipped through the straw and fell in.
Spring is the perfect time to turn over a new leaf.
I saw some leprechauns putting coins in the vending machine but in vain. They were using lepre-coins.
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
What reads and lives in an apple? A bookworm.
What do we call two thousand pounds of Chinese soup? It is called won – ton!
The best place meteorologists can stop to get a drink on their way home is the isobar.
Why do witches not wear a regular hat?
Because there's no point in it.
If I had to choose between breathing and loving you, I'd take my last breath to say "I Love You".
What’s the biggest difference between Thanksgiving and April Fool’s Day?
On one you’re thankful but on the other you’re prankful.
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
"Run. Because zombies will eat the untrained ones first."
From the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide
I want anarchy
Because my keyboard is missing one.
I'm having mixed feelings about being a Michael Jackson impersonator.
On one hand, you get to wear a cool white glove.
On the other hand, you don't.
I wonder why Lenin didn't realize that communism would fail to work. There were so many red flags everywhere.
You're that ugly that if I could do myself, I wouldn't need you.
Why did the skeleton go to the hospital?
To have his ghoul bladder removed.
If I knew I was going to die tomorrow, I would spend every second today thinking about you.
Everyday for lunch I like to eat two pears, and my dad knows this.
One day I saw him dropping two pears into a bunch of brown paper bags.
“What are you doing?” I asked him.
“Preparing.”
How Do Ducks Talk?
They don't, you quack.
My Dad said to me, "Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted."
I shouted, "You're kidding! Really?"
He said, "Yes. Get your things together, they're coming to pick you up in an hour."
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
Did you know Rolf Harris was a talented violinist as a child?
Yeah, he was a mean kiddie fiddler.
What’s sweet and goes woof?
Pupcakes!
You're eyes are bluer than the Atlantic ocean and baby, I'm all lost at sea.
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
My wife accused me of being a transvestite.
So I packed her things and left.
Roses aren’t red,
Violets are gray,
Ever since I looked at the sun,
It's been a bad day.
"My Sweet Aunt Mabel"
There is my sweet Aunt Mabel
sitting across the table
ever since her divorce
she eats like a horse
so we put her up in a stable.
– Michael Wise
"Will you accept this rosé?"
Why was the Whale bank heist so successful?
Because it was a whale orca-strated plan
What do you get when you cross a Dinosaur and TNT? Dino-mite.
Excuse me, I seem to have lost my phone number, can you do the same?
I barely noticed you in the winter months, you were missing from the sky.
Man wins award after he died eating appetizers at a Mediterranean restaurant
It was a Post-Hummus award.
I don’t want your candy, what I really want is your number.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?
If you're Russian when you go to the bathroom, and you're Finnish when you come out of it, what are you when you're inside?
European!
What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!
What do you call someone who rips up books?
A tear-orist.
I had to clean my filter twice after I saw how beautiful you are because I couldn’t believe my Arabicas.
Basketball players manage to remain cool even during tough matches because they stay closer to the fans.
What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat?
A dirty kid!
What sea creature never tells the truth
A lion fish.
How did the skeleton baker make bread?
He Knee-d it.
What do you call a cow that has 2 legs? Side of beef
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