A biologist, a chemist and a statistician are out hunting.
The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5th to the left.
The chemist takes a shot and misses 5th to the right.
The statistician yells "We got 'em!"

What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights.

Hey girl. Feel my sweater. Know what it’s made of? Husband material.

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin

I'm 6'6", 280lb, and I've played piano for 23 years
I'm a huge pianist.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.

What did the geologist say when his doctor said he needed a colon exam?
No fracking way!

What do murderers drink? Cruel-tea.

It started raining coins outside today.

I guess it’s just climate change.

Baby I'm gonna teach you what love's all about tonight

Taking a romantic ride today,
We sat upon the wagon.
Suddenly the horse lifted his tail
And we heard a roaring dragon!

The deafening sound hurt my ears
And the smell burned the hairs in my nose.
My girlfriend sat and glared at me.
Somehow my fault I suppose.

It was my idea to take the ride,
But how was I to know?
It really wasn't in my plans;
Didn't know the horse would blow.

The noise and the smell were bad enough,
As the wind blew quickly by.
But I think the very worst of it,
Was the brown stuff in my eye.

My girlfriend's face turned angry red.
So I figured I wouldn't dare,
Advise her of the smelly pieces
Of horse stuff in her hair.

The horse finally stopped; my girl ran away,
Stubbornly lifting her chin.
I think that horse was enjoying himself,
Cause I'm sure I saw him grin.

A lesson learned for me today.
Although I must confess,
I laughed so hard I nearly cried
As I wiped away the mess.

(by Annabel Sheila)

It was the pie piper who had led the strawberries to the bakery.

He apologized for driving the orange to the edge of the blade

I saw a lady riding a camel and being pulled by a truck... It was a camel tow

I think I’m developing tics. I just can’t help but wink at you.

Electric cars can't get exhausted...
...but they can get wheely tired.

Did anybody ever consider that cannibalism would resolve both overpopulation – and world hunger?

Constipated people don’t give a crap.

“Did you hear the forecast for Christmas Eve? They’re calling for rain, dear!”

What do you call a potato that smokes weed? A baked potato.

"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."

- Natasha Leggero

Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.

“No matter how smart you are, you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.”
Anonymous

Hey girl, are you a faulty French press because I’d like to be burned by you and recall you afterward.

A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.

Guy: Have you ever been fishing before? Girl: Why? Boy: I think we should hook up!

If you don’t have a lot of figurines from Ancient Greek mythology, I can give you a mini tour.

“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
Rodney Dangerfield

I keep thinking I'll make breakfast pancakes, but I end up waffling.

What do you call a big Irish spider?
A Paddy long legs.

You have to be careful these days. I was walking down this creek yesterday and this guy suddenly pulled out a scissor, but luckily I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock because if I had pulled out paper, man I would’ve lost.

How do ghouls like their meals?
Runny!

What do you call an angle that is adorable?
Acute angle.

Why did the robber take a bath? Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.

What was the most common game played by Greek Gods?
Hydra and seek.

Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name in dry concrete.

I am a mean green machine.

You’re just like how I like my potatoes — sweet.

What happens if you cross a hairdresser and a werewolf?
A creature with an all over perm!

“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz

What do you call it when it rains ducks and geese?
Fowl weather.

Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. "GET OUT OF HERE!!!" The Bartender shouts we don't serve your type!

There was a weird Crab
Whenever he used to walk, his claws used to make a ta-ta-ta-ta sound.

“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous

Hey, are you Cinderella because I see that dress disappearing at midnight.

What did the grouchy mushroom say to the loud mushroom? - Put a cap on it.

Milk does the body good, but damn how much did you drink?

What do you call a turkey's evil twin?
A Gobblegänger.

At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis

Where do horses go to the bathroom?
The bathroom stall-ion.