Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
Why is The Hulk such a good gardener? Because he’s got green fingers.
An art dealer and a painter are having a conversation.
Art Dealer: "I have good news and bad news. Good news is, a person came up to me this afternoon to ask about the value of your art. When I told him that it would increase in value after your death, he immediately bought ALL of them."
Painter: "Wow! What's the bad news?"
Art Dealer: "He was your doctor."
Pre pear yourself for a bad pun.
Dad: Is that a pear?
*Dad points to pear on the kitchen counter.
Child: Yea...
Dad: Then why is there only one?
Did you hear about the gnome city that doesn’t let humans through the gates? They call it Gno-man’s-land.
Q: Why did the purple family have to move out?
A: They were plum too loud, excessively violet with one another, and were fuschiatives of the law.
What did the rabbit say to its wife? No bunny compares to you.
What did the fruit lover say after he met a girl?
I’ve got a date
There was news of a snowstorm. It arrived white on time.
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
What do you call Jack-O-Lantern cousins who lift weights together?
Pump Kins
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
"Trouble"
Better never trouble Trouble
Until Trouble troubles you;
For you only make your trouble
Double-trouble when you do;
And the trouble-like a bubble-
That you’re troubling about,
May be nothing but a cipher
With its rim rubbed out.
– David Keppel
Why did the two 4’s skip lunch?
They already 8!
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies? a garbage truck.
Did you hear about the butcher that backed into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
What do you call a dinosaur with high heels? My-feet-are-saurus
You couldn't cut the s*xual tension in here with a Yellowknife.
What’s a good name for a detective?
Mr. E
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
Why did the blonde run backward?
She wanted to gain weight.
What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.
Sorry I took so long to call, I accidentally got lost in your eyes.
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
It's ice to meet you.
A young slice of bread came up to his crush. He told her that he was really falling in loaf with her.
“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno
What were the ponies most excited for in the meal?
The main horse.
An inspirational speaker came to speak at the fruit stand today. He told us to peach for the stars.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
“Behind every successful woman is a best friend giving her crazy ideas.”
— Unknown
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Who’s the patron saint of poverty?
St. Nickeless.
Are you into science? Because I lab you so much!
Why did the frog make so many mistakes?
It jumped to the wrong conclusions.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Snow
Snow who?
Snow business like show business!
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
What do you call a white skinned gorilla?
Honkey Kong.
Violinist Caught following a String of Robberies.
Why are frogs so good at basketball?
Because they always make jump shots.
What are the rules in zebra baseball?
Three stripes, and you're out.
When one of them have a birthday, turtles call for a shell-ebration.
No matter how much she trimmed the particular strand of grass, the unruly grass kept on growing- what a grass-cal!
A fellow jumped off a high wall,
And had a most terrible fall.
He went back to bed,
With a bump on his head,
That's why you don't jump off a wall.
It’s a good thing I have my library card because I am totally checking you out.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
What is the fastest way to make a setter angry? Each time you make a pass, tell the setter the ball is “Up” and then say “Yours!”
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