This dog is beautiful. I see he takes after his owner.
Singular: One mango
Plural: Two menwent
“If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” — John Gotti
Scientists believe that one day we will find Sasquatch, just...
Not Yeti.
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."
What is the head of an Italian dinosaur family called? Ptera Don
Why didn’t the flower get a second date?
He was garden variety.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
What's the difference between a person that just won the lottery and a fairy in salt water?
One is tickled pink, the other is a pickled Tink.
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
Where should you never take your dogs shopping?
The flea market.
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
Q. Why was the gorilla's jungle party so lame?
A. Because theyran out of chimps and dip.
I would hate to see you go, but I love watching your leaves.
Can you give me directions…to your heart?
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
If Messier retires he's sure to be moosed.
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.
Did the Lord take the thunder from the skies, and put it in your thighs?
I tried to milk my cow last night, but nothing I did seemed to work. It was an udder failure.
“Mom, what do we have for this dinner?” – “I cannot tell you. It is a little soup-prise, son!”
If you want to wish a 'Merry Christmas' to a strawberry, just say, "Straw-berry Christmas!'"
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
What did the detective say after finding a calculator?
"Hmm... Now everything is starting to add up..."
What’s a Spanish vampire’s favorite dance?
The Fang-dango.
Why couldn’t the cheese sleep?
He was scared there was a munster under the bed.
What do you call a fruit that is rough around the edges? A bad apple.
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
Are you an alien? Because you just abducted my heart.
Driving behind an ambulance, I watched a box fall off the back. I checked inside and there was a foot in it, so I decided to call a toe truck.
Shake it like a pole-oriod picture.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery?
Because he heard the cakes were rich.
What do you call a funny bone?
A humerus.
"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."
~ Vince Lombardi
A mountain biker was chased by a Grizzly this morning. He bearly made it.
What do you call money that grows on trees? Marijuana
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
What’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison?...
You can’t wash your hands in a buffalo.
What do you get when you cross a computer with an elephant? Lots of memory!
How do you measure a mosquito’s harddrive?
With bug bytes.
What happened when one friend forgot to brew her pal a coffee? Their friendship came to a bitter end.
Nurse, can I have a little sugar to help the medicine go down?
I'm starting a music group that performs Classical Greek music.
I'm calling it Oedipal Arrangements.
Q. Where did the gorilla like to go sailing?
A. The Chimpan-Sea
You make my heart slip 'n slide.
It’s so hot they installed a fan in the debt ceiling.
What is a cat’s favorite type of bird? An e-mew!
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
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