What did the llama say to the grass?
“Nice gnawing you!”
The walnut got in trouble for pecan through the window.
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A piiig!
What do volleyball players like in bed? Kinky sets.
Whenever I saw the beautiful smile on your face, my heart jumps like a happy little kangaroo.
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
We can share my yoga mat so we can become one.
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.
Cow's that eat strawberries give strawberry milk.
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, 'It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!'
How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.
What is the funniest fish in the sea?
A clownfish.
What’s a rabbit’s favorite game? Hopscotch!
What do you call pig shampoo?
Hogwash.
“We live by the Golden Rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~Buzzie Bavasi
What happened to the man that took the 5 o’clock train home? He had to give it back!
Did you hear about the elusive skating watermelon thief? Not really, the only description they got was a Caucasian melon wheels.
Where do elves vote?
The North Poll.
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant's head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke's son and knocked him off the battlefield.
Yeah, apparently it was the first-ever serf face to heir missile.
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
Have you heard of the tallest tower in France?
It’s a real Eiffel.
Why didnt the moon have any more to eat.
Becuase it was full
Are you a classic? Because my love for you is timeless.
What can you only drink in the Middle East? Dust-Tea.
Let’s shell-ebrate good times and tan lines.
Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield?
There are too many ears.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears.
Which nut has won the World Cup the most times?
A Brazil nut.
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
What did the sad lamp say when plugged in?
"I finally feel better now that I’ve got an emotional outlet."
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
What did the stamp say to the envelope? Stick with me and we will go places!
A man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his head.
The bartender asks, "Why have you got a fried egg on your head?"
The man replies, "Because boiled eggs fall off."
Do you wear contacts?! (she says no...) Because your eyes are just so beautiful!
Date a soccer player. We can go for 90 minutes and know 11 different positions.
Did you hear that? They're playing our future song on the speakers!
After being stuck in the ice storm all day long, the man said, "I am starving. Can I avalanche?"
I never knew how lightning worked
Thats until it finally struck me.
What did Shakespeare say as he was making a cheese plate?
To brie or not to brie.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
Sasquatch often gets mistaken for Bigfoot.
Yeti never complains.
If pigs learned to fly, would the price of bacon skyrocket?
skyrocket
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An Investigator
This s***ty toilet broke down again!
What happens when you shatter your funny bone?
You crack up.
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
“To like and dislike the same things, that is what makes a solid friendship.”
— Sallust
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