“Not telling me something because you don’t want to piss me off is probably the best way to piss me off.”
— ScorpioQuotes.com
Woah! What’s the name of THIS out-of-the-world body?
Pardon me for drooling, but without my jaw, I can't help myself.
Which Bible Character is a locksmith?
Zaccheus.
Where do parrots invest their money?
In the stork market
One problem with antibiotics is that no matter how popular it gets....It’s never going viral.
You want to hear the best rock puns?
Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.
You really ate dog meat? How was it?
.... ruff
It’s so cold that Grandpa’s teeth are chattering – in the glass!
I stole two sofas from death, but I wasn’t ready for the reaper cushions.
How do you make sweet corn?
You whisper sweet nothings in its ear!
“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller
It’s so hot my campfire lit itself.
I got my COVID-19 vaccine from a "doctor" who approached me in a downtown alley after midnight, offering it for $50 cash.
It was a shot in the dark, but I took it.
I was visiting my dear old Grandpa the other day when he said to me, "Let me give you a bit of advice. You can't make an omelette..."
"Without breaking eggs?" I finished for him.
"No. You can't make an omelette," he said, as he scraped it into the bin.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
A fly fell down out of nowhere on my wrist
It died on my watch.
What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?
A mist steak.
What do you call an explosive horse?
Neigh-palm.
I gave someone directions to a theater today
I guess I am a movie director now.
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain
You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.
What do you call a dwarf who sells prosthetic limbs?
A small arms dealer.
What month does every tree dread? Sept-timmmberrr!
Did you hear about the generous and kind deer? She had a hart of gold!
I have an addiction to cheddar cheese.
But it's only mild.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?”
The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel.
It took 3 tries to approach you. I kept losing my breath.
The retiring orchard gardener made a farewell peach that was really heart-warming.
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth? Hard cheese!
You can drive my car, and if you'd like, I also have a Yellow Submarine
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!
A tree toad loved a she-toad,
Who lived up in a tree.
He was a three-toed tree toad,
But a two-toed toad was she.
The three-toed tree toad tried to win,
The two-toed she-toad's heart,
For the three-toed tree toad loved the ground,
That the two-toed tree toad trod.
But the three-toed tree toad tried in vain.
He couldn't please her whim.
From her tree toad bower,
With her two-toed power,
The she-toad vetoed him.
Udon even know how to cook this udon recipe. Fortunately, I can teach you.
Happy Valentine's Day!
I hope your day starts off with a bang!
The beauty with bowling is that you can get three strikes, but you still remain in the game.
What do you call a cat that gets what they want? Purr-suasive.
My grand father always said "fight Fire with Fire".
He was a great man but a terrible Fireman
“A car’s weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.”
Drink happy thoughts.
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
You look like a bowl of ice cream, I just want to spoon you.
What is the head of an Italian dinosaur family called? Ptera Don
What do you call an angry nut with a mustache?
A pistachio.
Why can't a tattoo artist be faithful? Because he always has designs on his clients.
Damn, look at that pizza! It's an over panchiever.
What is the first time that a volleyball match was talked about in the Bible? When Joseph served in the Pharaoh’s court.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry
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