If you texted me every time I thought of you, you'd be blowing up my phone.
What is a dog’s favorite hobby?
Collecting fleas.
What’s the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls?
Seasoning.
Which side of a koala bear has the most fur? The outside!
Guns don’t kill people...
Bullets, it’s bullets that kill people.
What do you call a baker with a cold?
Coughee cake.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
What if the earth was both round and flat?
Would it be called cylindearth?
What is a flamingo's favorite thing to do at the weekend? Play fla-bingo.
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? A hot, diggety dog.
“Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.”
― Bill Murray
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
I don't bite you know - unless it's called for.
What’s a deer’s go-to ice cream flavor?
Cookie-doe.
Are you Darth Vader, because I wouldn't mind if you used a little force to choke me.
Why did the monster truck drive on the sidewalk?
Because he didn’t want to run over the chicken!
I boiled a funny bone once.
It turned into a laughing stock.
Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
“I probably wouldn’t kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.”
— Anonymous
My cat kept jumping onto my desk.
I had to put him down.
Which search engine is popular amongst mice? Ask Cheese.
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
How do you get into the mush-room? Ring the porta-bella.
What does the father deer say to the mother deer to show his love?
“I love you deerly!”
Wow Avery, love the name. Makes sense since you are Avery beautiful girl.
What do fashionable mountains wear when it's cold? An ice cap.
Getting tired of all this laundry. I’m going to throw the towel in.
German Wi-Fi is the WURST.
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
Did you hear about the little people starting a beer making operation?
It's a micro brewery.
What's the article of winter clothing most appropriate for Valentine's Day?
's mitten.
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said, "It's going to rain."
His wife asked, "How do you know?"
"Because Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."
Damn girl, I must be reading a book because you are FINE print.
I think I glove you.
Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield?
There are too many ears.
Which flower is known as the most ferocious flower? A tiger lily.
“How to get a yoga body: 1. Have a body 2. Do yoga.” – Unknown
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
Hey, does this handkerchief smell like CHCl3?
What do you call a dinosaur who is elected to Congress? Rep. Tile!
What do peach soldiers say to each other before they are sent into combat? – “Good luck and make sure you come back in one peach!”
What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room? Odor in the court. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? Dam!
Roses are red
that much is true.
But violets are purple
not freaking blue.
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
What do gnome mothers often say to their naughty children? Wait till your father gets gnome.
I'd advise against letting a vampire drive you home after a Halloween party. They never check their mirrors, it will drive you batty.
Q. How do you describe a deer joke with a screwed up punch line?
A. Bucked up.
Why did the neuron like to sleep in the top bunk bed?
It wanted to have a high resting potential.
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