That Marchesa dress looks great on you...as a matter of fact, so would I.
Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
After letting elephant dung dry in the sun, it's nearly indestructible.
In fact, I'd say it's pretty heavy doody.
What do you call a viking cemetary?
A grey fjord.
My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.
What did the arirst say to his friend who was stressed? Don't worry, paintbrush it off.
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
It’s so cold the police told a robber to freeze, and he really did.
Anne of Green Gables? More like Anne of Green Babeles.
What did Delaware? a New Jersey
Mushrooms always hate going to school. They feel inferior before the rest because they are always so spore-d.
What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!
“Someone asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men do, and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don’t have as much money. That was a true and incomplete answer. In fact, women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.” – Gloria Steinem
I like big punts and I cannot lie
What do you call a horse that is good at football?
Neighhhhh-mar.
What’s red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator.
My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp.
I'm not sure I'll be able look at him in the same light ever again
What are the magic words for a brainy magician?
Hocus sulcus.
I should call you rainbow, because you’re passing with flying colors.
Don’t expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.
I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.
You might not be America’s Most Wanted, but you’re at the top of my Watch List.
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
Did you hear about the cow that committed murder? It was in cow-ld blood! How dairy.
What sea creature never tells the truth
A lion fish.
Why did the computer spy get fired?
She couldn't hack it.
When is a piece of wood made king? when its a ruler
Took the family on a whitewater rafting trip, and first time we came to a sudden descent in the river, we lost everything...
That was just one of the downfalls!
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
What do you call children who are born in a whorehouse?
Brothel sprouts.
How do the crows in Texas greet each other?
Yee-caw
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
It’s so hot even the artificial flowers are dying.
In your hands my heart is clay, To take and hold as you may.
“Monday should be optional.”
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
I was hiking yesterday, when I suddenly ran in to a cougar....
Almost made me puma pants!
What do you call a turkey's evil twin?
A Gobblegänger.
What should you put on the tomb stone of a mathematician?
"He didn't count on this."
What do you call a Blind Dinosaur's Dog? Do-ya-think-he-saurus-rex.
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
I know somebody who likes you but if I weren’t so shy I would tell you who.
Hey girl, I'd swim across the ocean just to see you smile.
The seaweed is always greener in somebody else's lake!
Is that a mirror in your pocket? Cause I can see myself in your pants!
Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's out of business. And, speaking of Hershey's, how about a kiss?
A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"
The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
Sinks cannot open doors
Let that sink in.
If your piglet wants to be a wizard, there’s only one alternative: Hogwarts.
What do you call a blood vessel that's mad with power?
A Megalovieniac.
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