Can I interest you in a magic trick? Just give me your phone and watch my number magically appear on it.
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
It’s so hot that the only waves at the beach were heatwaves.
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”
Ann Landers
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken!
No one can accuse this trip of being plane.
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." —Dave Barry
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle?
An extra hour of rain.
An electrocuted turtle feels shell-shocked.
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
During the blizzard, the jalapeno said, I'm a little chilli.
What do you call a skeleton with no friends?
Bonely.
"You need kissing badly. That's what's wrong with you. You should be kissed often, and by someone who knows how."
- Clark Gable, Gone with the Wind (1939)
Your heart stops when you sneeze. Kind of like what happens when I think of you.
Chuck Norris can beat his reflection at rock paper scissors.
Husband: "These pears a perfect right now."
Me: "Would you say they're 'pear-fect'?"
Are you bad WiFi?
Because I'm feeling no connection here.
When NASA will put 20 heads of cattle into the outer space, it will be the 1st herd shot around the entire world.
I fernly beleaf my tree puns are qualitree, you can leaf me alone if you disagreen.
Are you wearing space pants? Because your a** is out of this world.
Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
Why did the sloth get fired from his job?
He would only do the bear minimum.
What do you call Bigfoot from Canada?
Sasquatch-ewan.
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
My farts don’t smell, they don’t have noses.
What hotel do cheese lover’s stay in?
The Stilton.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have a weird axe scent.
What do you call two peas in a pod?
Peepee
I didn't know WiFi stood for Wireless Fidelity.
I guess I just didn't get the connection.
Patient: "Nurse im suffering from bacon disease!" Nurse: "Baloney"
Why did the cranberries turn red?
They saw the turkey dressing!
I love you deerly.
Which Led Zeppelin song do realtors love most?
“A Whole Lot Of Love.”
Why should you you stand on the service line? So that you can order ice cream.
The only way bees can fly right through the rain is when they have their yellow jackets on.
Which dinosaur can't stay out of the rain? A Stegosaur-rust
"I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments, and sheer lack of common decency that we should be best friends."
— Unknown
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
How do you share a piece of cheese with a bear?
Caerphilly.
There are two types of people in this world: People who love chocolate and liars. A study says that chocolate may lower your chances of a stroke. That is, a swimming stroke, a golf stroke, a tennis stroke.
What do you call a father who’s against hand bags?
Antiperspirant.
My wife used to love being called my trophy wife.
Until she overheard me explain to my friends that it's a Participation Trophy.
So apparently coles has a new thing where you can only have one salad per transaction
They’re calling it coleslaw..
I tried out a lactose free diet. I stopped because I couldn’t figure out how to milk the almonds.
What do you call two female lovers spying on the government?
Lesbionage.
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it.” — Groucho Marx
What does a triangle palm like to study in school? Trigonometree.
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