What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry
Did you know that camels can last longer without water than se*?
They can go three weeks without water, but can't go a day without a hump.
When is the course too wet to play golf?
When your golf cart capsizes.
I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.
I would not be able to picture myself without having a camera phone.
Flamingos are great to go out with, because they all party like flock stars.
Your fur is red, so beautiful, like an angel in disguise.
An Australian army vehicle worth $74,000 has gone missing after being painted with camouflage.
Do you want to dance?
Yeah, sure.
Great, then I can sit there.
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
Hey the cyclist, can I take you for a spin on my handlebars?
What cheese should you use to hide a horse? Mascarpone.
Can you give me directions…to your heart?
It’s so hot that I’m using Celsius instead of Fahrenheit just to have a lower number.
Everyone said the wind was powerful. So, I went outside and was blown away.
Your shirt has to go, but you can stay.
Thin grippy thick slippery.
I got down on one knee and asked her if she'd be the mother to my kids, she said yes...
Guess who's gonna find a bunch of losers in a box tomorrow morning at their doorstep.
What group of people always had the highest cell phone bills?
The Romans.
I was so disappointed when I went to the court house themed restaurant and all they gave me was frozen water.
Justice was served.
Is it possible to scare a sasquatch out of your yard by tossing eggs at him?
Only if you eggs-terminate him.
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
Wanna partner up so we can test the spring potential of my bed mattress?
Whenever you and me get together, it's like superposition of 2 waves in phase.
It was quite dangerous for messengers back in the medieval era.
They often had to wear mail armor.
Hello... I've been admiring your bacterial signature.
Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
University.
How did the witch feel about using her broom to do housework?
She bristled at the suggestion!
What did the flower say when he saw his date?
I think you’re dandy, and I’m not lion!
I've been trying to sleep with one eye open lately, but it's really hard
Last night I couldn't sleep a wink
If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometimes.
Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
What kind of nuts come in cans?
Creamed a-corn.
What kind of music group only makes songs for exercise programs?
A sweatband.
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
How do you catch a Polynesian squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a coconut.
Don't worry, the Corona Virus won't last long... It was made in China.
What do you call bacon with salt on it
Salt and Peppa
What do you call a Sith Lord who likes to go fishing? Darth Wader.
“I love the early hours of the day. It’s a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.”
— James Lileks
Who do you call a pig who can paint like a great artist? Pablo PIGcaso.
I don’t know what I’d do without you, but starting tomorrow I’m going to give it a try.
Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.
What flies around your light at night and can bite your head off?
A tiger moth.
Do you wanna come dance with the big bad wolf? [ No! ] Its okay, the other two pigs said no too!
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns! What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A "hollow-weenie!"
Q: What time is it when a tiger walks into the room?
A: Time to get out of the room.
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
What is a witch's favorite ride at the fair?
A scary-go-round.
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
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