“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
Why wasn't King Kong able to climb to the top of the Empire State Building?
He couldn't quite fit in the elevator.
I’d like to buy a catamaran or a yacht.
I’d like to get the best of boat words.
It says right here that this frozen pizza is enough for two.
I'm investigating the tooth fairy, and it's going well...
I've managed to get a molar into her operation. I'm going to find out the tooth at the root of all this.
So yesterday I saw a bottle of ketchup steal a bottle of mustard
'Twas saucepicious
Are you still wondering why the basketball player could listen to his music? Don’t you know he broke a record!
What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face?
A mouse-tache!
How do you say farewell to a very optimistic insect?
Buoyant!
What do you call one green onion that doesn't listen to anyone and is very naughty? It is called a rapscallion!
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
I yam what I yam.
There once was a man from Peru,
Who had a lot of growing up to do.
He'd ring a doorbell,
then run like hell,
Until the owner shot him with a .22
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity? It’s natural.”
What should you do with an old inventory of fine French wine?
Liquidate it to the highest bidder.
There was an Old Man of Madras,
Who rode on a cream-coloured ass;
But the length of its ears,
So promoted his fears,
That it killed that Old Man of Madras.
Why did the blonde run backward?
She wanted to gain weight.
What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
Your mother ate us out of house and home.
How do you get a mouse to smile? Say cheese!
Mike Tyson bought a yacht and immediately wrecked it.
Who woulda thunk it?
Where was the dinosaur when the sun went down ? In the dark!
Don’t moss around.
I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers
They only care about the dead.
The only time a basketball team can chase a baseball team is five after nine.
Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.
Why do owls make such bad baseball players?
Their hits are always fowl.
Make your own decisions this summer, don't give in to pier pressure.
One should never mix oranges in apple juice. Well, perhaps you may do it once in a blue moon.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
Why did the volleyball player not want to travel? Because he had been there and dug that.
What do people in New Mexico eat on thanksgiving?
an Albuturquey
I love my furniture... Me and my recliner go way back.
My life-long rival just beat my record for deep-sea diving.
This is a new low.
What do skeletons hate the most about the wind?
Nothing. It goes right through them.
Q. Why can't computers play tennis?
A. They try to surf the net.
If a dog chews shoes, whose shoes does he choose?
"The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig."
- Texas Bix Bender, Don't Throw in the Trowel
"Don’t stay in bed unless you make money in bed." ~ George Burns
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. -- Billy Sunday
Now that it's summer, we've got to seas the day!
Why did the chicken cross the river?
To get to the otter side
What position did the young vampire bat play on the football team?
Quater-bat.
What do rabbits say before they eat? Lettuce pray.
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
What's a barista's favorite morning mantra? Rise and grind.
Why do seals swim in salt water ?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze.
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
What is a dog’s favorite pizza topping?
Pup-peroni.
I’ve always thought that heck is the only thing hotter than the sun but that has all changed today.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
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