"Humor is reason gone mad."
Never argue with Pi, it's irrational.
Roses are brown
Violets are brown
Who crapped in my garden?
What did the magician say to the fisherman?
"Pick a cod, any cod."
We’re traveling winter-nationally.
I went into a pet shop and said: "I would like a pet parrot for my daughter."
Confused, the owner replied: "Sorry, we don't do swaps."
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!
"You round me out." — High Card Band
Enough of the Corona virus jokes
We're all getting sick of them!
What do you call a poor ant?
A peas-ant.
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koala-fications.
Why do owls shower so often?
So they don’t smell fowl.
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
What happens when a cow stops shaving?
It grows a Moostache.
My love for you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in.
What did the Christmas tree tell his crush? I pine for you.
Sometimes you have to green and bear it.
"There's a woman trapped under a motorway bridge in Italy."
"Genoa?"
"I'm not sure, I can't see her face."
What do you call a small Subaru car covered in road salt?
An Impretzel!
What kind of car do bears drive?
Fur-aris.
Why are tigers said to be religious? Because they frequently prey with all their family members.
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"
What did the squirrel say when his tail got caught in the door?
...It won’t be long now!
What did the father squirrel tell his son?
Acorny joke.
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
Did you hear about the unlucky man who bought some bananas? They were empty.
Happy birthday to you,
You still look the same over the years,
Some sort of makeup you use,
Oh I did not mean to make fun,
Because you always look number one
Stay blessed!
Son: "Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad: "Hmmm. Well, you are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."
The boot black brought the black boot back.
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
I had a job directing an elementary school theater production.
It wasn't hard work, after all, it was child's play.
“Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace? He wanted to sleep like a log.”
My friend didn't want to participate in the pick your new hairstyle conference but I convinced him...
He took part.
Why shouldn't you kiss anyone on January 1st?
Because it's only the first date
Robin Williams
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
It’s so cold I saw a gangsta with his pants pulled up.
Why is the French Prime Minister never seen in the morning?
Becasue he is pm not am!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Kenya
Kenya who?
Kenya guess who is it?
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
People order potatoes a lot because they look a-peeling on the menu.
My computer crashed and I lost all the notes I'd saved for the book I'm working on called "1,001 cures for itches."
I guess I'll have to start again from scratch.
What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet?
Blood-thirsty hacker.
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
According to the multiverse theory, there’s at least one universe where we end up together. Do you want this universe to be one of them?
I had to carry a group of crows once.
It was murder on my back!
I stubbed my toe onto a piece of furniture. C-ouch!
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