Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Claire.
Claire who?
Claire the way, I’m coming through!
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
RIP to Boiled Water.
You will be sorely mist.
Behind every successful man is an exhausted woman.
There was an Old Person of Hurst,
Who drank when he was not athirst;
When they said, 'You'll grw fatter,'
He answered, 'What matter?'
That globular Person of Hurst.
Why are we only concerned about snowmen not snowwomen?
Because only men are stupid enough to stand out in the snow without a coat.
"Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga."
- Grant Tucker
What do you see when an elephant hides behind a tree?
The trunks
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
Did you hear about the cardiologist who went to great lengths to win the heart of a hematologist?
It was all in vein.
The only reason i want to become a father is to make dad jokes all the time. Some people think I am kidding
But i’m dad serious
What’s a calendars favorite fruit?
Dates.
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
Why did the ice cream truck break down? Because of the Rocky Road.
Happy birthday twinkle toes
Your actual age no one knows
Your inner child is firmly out
Loving life not going without
And now another whole year older
Your bucket list is getting smaller
But everything that you have ticked
Is the same on my child’s wish list.
Are you going to a beauty contest? Because you are looking damn beautiful.
What does a good spice rack help you win? The Hunger Games.
May you be granted no memory,
Of the people you wished took a hike,
May your luck hold out for decades,
Bringing you only the folks you like.
May your eyes never fail you,
When you need to tell the difference,
May your walker go from zero to 60,
So you could stay at a safe distance.
(Kevin Nishmas)
He is the best chef in the city. His soups take my broth away.
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him?
Filthy rich.
I entered my pig into a pig race but he pulled a ham string.
What do you call an Arab next to a cow?
Milk Sheikh.
A company from Israel took over the Greek national cheese factory in Greece
Now it's called the Cheeses of Nazareth.
How to scare kids away in the night
Want to give them a really big fright?
Go hide in the closet
They'll leave a deposit
When the boogieman busts out tonight.
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
We all know that rooms are just empty spaces, and no one can even dream of making a delicacy out of them. The only room is the mushroom.
Before my surgery my anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
Are you a keyboard? Because you are just my type.
If George Frederic Handel would be born in the modern era, his favorite song would be "Club Can't Even Handel Me."
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
What does a bee use to brush it's hair ?
A Honeycomb.
Why was the skeleton so lonely?
He had no body.
What did the witness say at the gnome trial? In my gnome words here’s what happened.
I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.
Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk past again?
What do you call someone who eats too many eggs?
An egg-oholic.
How many golfers does it take to change a lightbulb?
FORE!
The shark and the computer are so alike. They both have and use their megabytes.
Why are frogs good at baseball?
Because they catch a lot of fly balls.
A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."
I asked my Spanish girlfriend to make a to-do list
so she wrote down everything.
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it.” — Groucho Marx
Why was the cat kicked out of the game? They thought she was a cheetah.
Why did the pig get fired? Insu-boar-dination.
[Beer] This is my number one draft pick.
What does a skeleton order at a restaurant?
Spare ribs.
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said “I’m confused,” I’d be thinking “where the heck did all these nickels come from?”
Many gardeners suffer from hay fever. Isn’t that news a pollen?
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