Have you ever had a dream about a bear eating you?
I call them bite-mares.
If you want a loyal marriage, get hitched to a basketball player. He will never pass you, rather he will keep you all to himself.
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
What cars do zombies drive?
Monster trucks.
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
What did the snowman order at Wendy’s?
A Frosty.
What is a pizza’s favorite movie?
Pie hard.
Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Mount Gilead.
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck
Are you an alien? Because you just abducted my heart.
All the toilets in the police station have disappeared and they are asking for witnesses.
They currently have nothing to go on.
What's a fetus's favorite craft?
Embryoidery.
Shell-abrate the good times!
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns!
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
I was only taught 22 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know Y TBH.
I want to play my match outdoors so I can hit the ball higher in the air. I’m not good at persuading people, so I’m going to hire a lob-byist.
A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.
She rejects them all.
“Well you tell me what you want then.”
“I want a divorce.” she replies.
“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
What do you say when you find the perfect font?
You’re just my type!
My brother, who is an IT guy, got surgery done on his fingers. Now he can truly be called a tech-knuckle support guy.
What is the difference between a panda and a polar bear?
About 1,000 miles.
What did the lighter color shade tell to its dark lover?
I want hue
What did the geologist say when his doctor said he needed a colon exam?
No fracking way!
I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex...
He's a small arms dealer.
I hear you like wine, too. Grape minds think alike.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry
With the kind of weather, it was almost certain that the bride-to-be would get a hoarse throat as she walked through the rain into her bridal shower.
My doctor must think I have a bad hard drive
He said he needed to C:
Girl, are you a train? Because I choo choo choose you.
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
Worried about overcooking your onion?
Don't sweat it.
There’s a girl on my art course who never does any original work, she copies everything.
We call her Tracey.
The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI.
What do sloths make when it snows? Slow Angels.
What did the banker want from the baker?
To pump her nickels.
What do you think Abby-t going on a date sometime?
Farmers were in an all out war to decide which vegetable they would plant
It was resolved with a Peas Treaty.
Irish potatoes are spud-tacular.
Why did the two puns go to camp together?
They wanted to be pun-kmates!
I always put my money in drums
Because it’s a sound investment.
It’s so cold my shadow ended up freezing on the sidewalk.
It was quite dangerous for messengers back in the medieval era.
They often had to wear mail armor.
A man has found water while digging in his backyard. For many years, he used the water at home saving tons of money until one day, the water stopped flowing. So he dug a little bit further and found water again and used it for years until it also dried up. This time, he went further, brought a digging machine, and dug a deeper hole until he found water.
Neighbors, annoyed by the noise, called the local sheriff who arrives to check what was happening in the backyard. The sheriff discovering the scene in the backyard says:
"Well, well, well ... What have we got here?"
What happened to the renegade donuts?
They went down in a glaze of glory.
What key has legs and can't open doors? A Turkey.
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
Q. What did they serve with nacho cheese at stag parties?
A. Deer-itos.
Golf is a lot like taxes:
You go for the green and wind up in the hole.
How am I supposed to shamelessly flirt with you in the middle of the night when I don’t have your number?
Hey, would you like to be lab partners? It would be a pleasure to do some anatomy and biology experiments with you.
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