Why are watermelons, such good entrepreneurs?
“They always have seed money.”
Four types of weather were having a race. Sunny won gold, cloudy got silver, snowy picked up a bronze, and rainy won a precipitation award.
What did the peanut say right before taking an exam? “I walnut fail!”
What do you call a rifle that shoots salt?
A salt rifle.
What is a tree’s favorite geometry shape? The treeangle.
A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”
Show your popcorn and coke guy at the movies a little appreciation. After all, he makes a lot of concessions.
Why should you never tell jokes about radon, cobalt and yttrium? They are just too CoRnY.
“How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carousel never belongs to everyone?”
— George Roberts
The amount of bad Covid-19 jokes being circulated is starting to reach alarming figures
Some scientists suspect that it might be a pundemic.
Breaking a leg during an audition ensures you're in the cast.
What do cats read in the morning? The mewspaper!
Where do you put nectarines when you want to freeze them? Inside the peach-zer.
Why should you be careful not to insult a crocodile?
It may come back to bite you in the butt.
What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
There's something gorgeous about your eyes...
Oh, that's it! It's my reflection.
Why are bunnies always tired in April? Because they just finished a March.
After all is sled and done.
What do you call meat balls falling from the sky? A meat-ior shower.
Watson: Sherlock, what type of rock is this amazing specimen?
Holmes: It’s sedimentary, my dear Watson.
What's the cure for marriage?
Alcoholism.
If you see a wasp, don't kill it. Let it bee.
There was an Old Person of Prague,
Who was suddenly seized with the Plague;
But they gave his some butter,
Which caused him to mutter,
And cured that Old Person of Prague.
What’s red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
The main difference between the weather and a horse is that one rains down while the other is reined up.
I got punched in the mouth by a drug addict today.
Now my jaw’s all methed up.
I've finally started to believe that Pluto is not really a planet...
Especially when I saw him in a cartoon.
It's a-boat time we took a vacation!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Frank
Frank who?
Frank you for being my friend!
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
Did you hear about the hairdresser? She dyed.
I was picking through the turkeys at the grocery store for Thanksgiving Day, but I couldn't find one big enough for my family. I turned to the employee and asked, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
“No, sir," he replied. "They're dead."
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with ass****s." - William Gibson
Girl are we doing high altitude training because you just took my breath away!
My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game.
Did you hear about the crab that went to the seafood disco? He pulled a muscle
Hey, do you wanna hear my text tone? Just message me and you’ll see how great it is.
There was a Young Girl of Majorca,
Whose aunt was a very fast walker;
She walked seventy miles,
And leaped fifteen stiles,
Which astonished that Girl of Majorca.
Is that a telescope in your pants or are you just happy to see me?
A man likes sending random stuff to his friends through the mail because he finds it funny.
This particular time the man takes some lettuce to the post office to ship to a friend from back home.
He tries to package it up but it won't fit unless he cuts it into smaller peices. He cuts it up and stuffs it in a large envelope, however he forgets to write out and attach a shipping label. He doesn't realize his mistake at the time and brings it to the counter to send.
The postal workers says: "You can't send a salad like that, it needs adressing".
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
You're not just some bunny... you're my bunny.
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
Lawmen From Mexico Barbecue Guests
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn't have the guts.
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
Some guy with cancer insulted my hair today.
Bald words for someone without it.
What is a good place for bat jokes?
A public bat room.
I had to give an impromptu speech on a piece of cloth that encircles the wrist...
I spoke off the cuff on the cuff.
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