I know a guy who had both arms amputated from elbow to shoulder.
He is always serious and never humerus.
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
The directions for my new dandruff shampoo are very confusing.
It's a real head-scratcher!
What do you call a thirsty bee?
Beehydrated
What do you call someone who specializes in growing plants used in witches’ brews?
A hag-riculturist!
My Asian neighbor owns a T-shirt company where he colors white shirts. I think it's a Thai Dye T-shirt company.
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
- Herman Wouk
Let's 'bag' this place and go get a coffee. And yes, I am proud of that pun.
What cars do zombies drive?
Monster trucks.
What did the ground say to the earthquake? You crack me up!
“I like tea and yoga, but I don’t do yoga.” – Moby
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I really lava you!
What did the banana do when he saw the monkey?
The banana split.
"Eggs-cuse me."
Who does May like the best?
April Showers, because April Showers brings May flowers!
The soccer player brought string to her game because she wanted to tie the score.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
"Work out in the morning, before your brain figures out what you’re doing."
– Unknown
What happens when you look up geology jokes? You know you've hit rock bottom!
Be careful, too many birthdays can kill you!
You’re what I’m most thankful for this year.
Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people
Then the grenade exploded.
Did you hear about the gorilla that was from Vietnam?
He was a viet kong.
What do you call a philosophical fairy?
Thinker-bell.
Where did the duck go when he was sick? A:
To the ducktor.
What does a goat call his girlfriend?
Bae.
What kind of hair explodes?
Bangs.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
What can you make with 6.02 x 10^23 avocados?
Guaca-mole.
Fortune-teller was killed by a car bomb
Couldn’t foresee the C4.
The superconductor left without resistance.
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
Hey baby, you caught my curiosity. Mind if I explore you a little?
"The main point of a cruise is to eat until you weigh the same as the boat."
What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat? A Diplodocus with a sore throat!
What is at the end of a rainbow?
The letter W.
Nice wrapping but I need to inspect it.
What happens if you read too many Painful baseball Puns?
You're left in stitches.
Are you a compound of beryllium and barium? Because you’re a total BaBe.
There was an Old Man of New York, Who murdered himself with a fork;
But nobody cried though he very soon died,-
For that silly Old Man of New York.
Drinking tea while being too calm can kill you, did you know?
It's called a casual tea.
What is the best way to communicate with a fish?
Drop it a line!
A great knight became all discombobulated and lost his weapons...
He was all out of swords.
I watched, horrified as two trucks carrying cheese crashed into each other. De brie was all over the road.
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
Sir Norman Wisdom
I’m attracted to you like the earth is attracted to the sun – with a large force inversely proportional to the distance squared.
You’re so pharma-cute-ical!
It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
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