If Russia wants to be the first country to produce a vaccine ...
... Then Soviet.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
What’s the difference between a Christmas alphabet and the regular alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
When is the best time to paint a dog?
When they're asleep.
I’d be Ju-lyin’ if I said you weren’t super cute
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits."
Anonymous
What did the gorilla wear when he was cooking in the kitchen?
An ape-ron
"If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?"
- Dave Attell
There was an Old Man of Coblenz,
The length of whose legs was immense;
He went with one prance
From Turkey to France,
That surprising Old Man of Coblenz.
“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.”
Calvin Coolidge
Today I helped father-in-law to fix his plants
it was very grounding.
Why aren't there more Bigfoot jokes?
There are, but they're really hard to find!
Did you see the guy with quad-arms play tennis? He has a great four-hand.
Where do Eskimos keep their eggs?
In the egg-loo.
Just hangin' with my gnomies.
There are two skeleton teachers at school. One is humerus, but the other is very sternum.
What do you get when you cross a bat with a doorbell?
A ding-bat.
Why will you never meet an ice cream workaholic?
They know how to chill out.
You have to hunt down a troll and kill it with a gun. After you find it, you accidently lose sight of it. In rage, you fire your gun. The bullets hit the troll and it dies.
What do you tell the person who sent you on the quest?
- I lost gun-trol.
What did Sherlock Holmes say when he caught the Christmas tree bandit? It was elemen-tree, my dear Watt-son.
Don't worry, bee happy!
Hitler jokes are rude, Anne Frankly I don't care.
“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”- Muhammad Ali
I miss you! I’ll see you tater!
Your beauty is so bright,
Your eyes shine like the twilight.
Your lips are so sweet,
To kiss them would be a treat.
I still can’t believe that you are my girl,
You are, by far, the best thing in my world.
Please know I’m not saying this because you are mad,
But if you feel like forgiving me, honey, I’d be so glad!
Babe, it doesn’t matter that you got diabetic retinopathy, because I heard love is blind.
Where was the dinosaur when the sun went down ? In the dark!
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
I would love to show you first class.
I’m Dublin down on what I said before.
How does a turtle feel after being electrocuted?
Shell-shocked.
Why did the pineapple’s phone die? It needed juice.
Why should you never eat the fish in France?
Because it's poisson.
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
There’s a rumor going ‘round it’s my birthday today;
they say that I’m seventy years old..…no way.
too many candles to light,
it would take into the night.
When did I suddenly turn old and grey.
Some say I’m an old man and not too smart,
but I say don’t put the horse behind the cart;
‘cause age is just a number
not something to encumber,
and this old man is still young at heart.
Broccoli: I look like a tree. Walnut: I look like a brain. Mushroom: I look like an umbrella. Banan Can we change the topic?
"You might not carrot all, but you're irresistible."
I used to sell loose onions
Until I got the sack
There was an Old Man of the Wrekin
Whose shoes made a horrible creaking
But they said, 'Tell us whether,
Your shoes are of leather,
Or of what, you Old Man of the Wrekin?'
How did dinosaurs clean their teeth?
With flossils.
What do you get if you cross a pigeon and a parrot? Voicemail!
What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane?
A Boeing constrictor.
I watched a good film about fishing last night.
It had a great cast.
What’s a horse’s favorite grocery store?
No-fillies.
Why do ice cream cones make such bad athletes?
They always get licked.
"Dust"
The grey dust runs on the ground like a mouse,
Over the doorstep and into the house,
Under the bedsteads and tables and chairs,
Up to the rooms at the top of the stairs,
Down to the cellar, across the brick floor-
There! It is off again by the back door!
Never a mousetrap can catch the grey mouse
Who keeps the brooms busy all over the house!
– P. A. Ropess
What do you call a deodorant that's never happy?
A deodor-rant.
How does a car express love to another?
‘I a door you.’
“The only certainty in this life is that Monday comes for everyone. A little humor to face at the beginning of the week always goes well. How about starting Monday smiling?”
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