"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
“They laugh at me because I’m different: I laugh at them because they’re all the same.”
What do you call a person with a peg nose acting suspicious?
Suspeg.
Why do owls shower so often?
So they don’t smell fowl.
If a hole isn't full of water then it isn't feeling well
What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY! How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogey in it!
Do you know what the Temple Veil and I both have in common?
We're both ripped.
Maybe you need a little Vitamin ME in your life.
A Poem by a Cat
I lick your nose
I lick your nose again
I drag my claws down your eyelids
Oh, you're up? Feed me.
What does a caped monkey superhero drive?
A banana-mobile.
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
I’ve learned that milk promotes beauty. But how much have you been drinking so far?
Is there a fireman around? Because you are smoking hot.
Doctor: "You look exhausted."
Blond: "I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it."
What do you call a hairy beast that’s lost?
A where-wolf!
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
- Marsha Doble
Why wouldn’t the papa bear use a navigation system in his truck?
Because he never lost his bearings.
What was Beethoven’s favourite fruit?
BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA... BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA...
Why did the rude unicorn not say hello to the other? Because while the pace (face) was familiar, he
just couldn’t remember the mane (name).
A big black bug bit a big black bear made the big black bear bleed blood.
You know what they say about when life gives you melons?
You might be dyslexic.
Why do ghouls like ice cream?
Because it’s ghoulilicous!
Hey Anna, how about you Anna I grab a drink sometime?
“Aerodynamics are for people who can’t build engines.”
– Enzo Ferrari
Hey, wanna be Jere-MY-ah?
I love having dinner in a local restaurant. It has a soup-erb speciality that mixes soup and herbs.
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
“The road to success is always under construction.”
Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
My name? It's Bond. Covalent Bond.
Why do blind people hate diving?
It scares the hell out of their dogs.
I asked my nectarine friend how she was doing after her break up and she said 'It's the pits, man.'
If you were a vegetable you'd be a cutecumber.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Harrison Ford film? Raiders of the Lost Bark.
Why does Avogadro like Cindy Crawford?
She's his favorite super-mole-dle (and she has a mole).
What vegetable did King Arthur pull from the stone?
Exparagus.
Q. What did the witch get when she crossed a doe with a tornado?
A. A whirling deer-vish.
What did the beaver say to the river? Meet me around the bend.
Did you hear about the kangaroo with glasses?
He had to go to the hopthalmologist.
Everyone knows the Italians invented pizza but few know that it was perfected by French rebels in nazi occupied France during WWII.
It was the pizza de resistance.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
Which animal can hibernate while standing on its head?
Yoga Bear.
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
"IT’S A LIEEEEE!!"
“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”
Cullen Hightower
What do you get if you cross an apple with a shellfish? A crab apple !
I saw a flyer about a missing flower, would you call your florist and let him know you are safe?
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You snore like a bear,
But I’m still into you.
What do you get when you cross a parrot with a shark?
An animal that talks your head off.
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