You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
Why do cats like computers the best?
Cuz they have a mouse.
What’s small, furry and slightly purple? A koala holding its breath!
I got a packet of onions from the supermarket yesterday. Somehow, by today, all of them have disappeared. Guess this is why the shopkeeper warned me not to buy Bermuda Onions.
Do you want to cosine on a mortgage with me?
What do red berries say during the season they love best? Cherry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
“Help…I’ve ran out of weekend!”
– Unknown
Have you heard about the restaurant that caters exclusively to dolphins?
It only has one customer, but at least it serves a porpoise.
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
What’s a horse’s favorite dance move?
Watch me whip, now watch me neigh neigh.
When it’s raining, a turtle goes to a shell-ter.
What is a pizza’s favorite movie?
Pie hard.
What hairstyle did Moses get at the hairdressers?
A middle parting.
Are monsters good at math?
Not unless you Count Dracula.
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
What is John Lennon's favorite donut? Strawberry' Filled Forever.'
Here’s my best advice for getting a job in the lotion industry:
Apply daily.
I use a crow to wake me up in the morning.
There’s caws for alarm.
My mom likes to feed everyone the soup she makes. She said it is her broth right.
The glass eyeball manufacturer is having a promotion
An eye for an eye.
"We found eggs in a hopeless place."
I almost brought a screwdriver to the football game, but was stopped by security
They said that match-fixing isn't allowed.
Why is a Tornado the best type of football player?
Because it always gets touchdowns.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet.
Do you know what kind of stock to use when making neotropical near-passerine bird soup?
Doesnt matter, as long as you put Toucans in.
"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison
"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size 7-day Caribbean cruise."
How do skeleton’s get their mail delivered?
By the bony express.
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
My heart rate’s always higher when I hike with you.
I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....
I'll return.
What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
Let’s list the froze and cons.
What caused the airline to go bankrupt? Runway inflation.
Hey what’s your favourite dessert? Mine’s e-Clairs
What happens when a Roman insults a Parisian's coffee?
A French Roast.
“Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon.” — Anonymous
"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a python."
"Oh you can’t get round me like that, you know."
Everything about you is perfect except one thing, you aren't married to me.
Did the sun come up or did you just smile at me?
I always tend to forget the french word for strawberry sometimes. But, then I eventually remember the fraise.
The winter is the worst time of year for a wedding. The grooms always seem to be getting cold feet.
How did the gambler know his hand would stink?
Because he was holding deuces.
You’re just like the black line at the bottom of the pool– I’d be lost without you.
Do you want to be disappointed tonight?
How do you keep the snow from giving you cold feet?
Don’t go around BRRfooted!
How about a little roll in the Bakery Department?
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