My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
Why was the werewolf arrested at the butchers shop?
He was caught chop lifting.
I’d love to spend some time Matthew
So I attended a salsa class today
The instructor says to everyone: "Alright folks, who's ready to learn how to dance??"
I realized that there was a misunderstanding, and ran off with my bag of tortilla chips.
We did not understand what the mother turtle was saying because it was all in ridleys.
What do you call a guy who can't stop running along the beach?
Joggernaut.
My wife came home with a bunch of spring flowers and asked where I'd like her to put them.
I said, " I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips."
Woke up this morning to a tap on my door.
That plumber has some sense of humour.
Why couldn't the squirrel eat the macadamia nut?
It was one tough nut to crack.
What is fog's favorite drink? Mountain Dew
Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?
It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!
Why don’t readers have extra time? They’re booked.
What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.
Did you hear about the gnome cop?
He works in lawn enforcement.
Defeat in soccer is only bitter if you swallow it.
Are you from South England? Cause you Brighton up my day
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
What do you call a smartass bird of prey?
A know it owl.
Why can't the bankrupt Hindu complain? He's got no beef.
My love for you simply radiates.
I'm going to have to ask you to stay away, you're posing a risk for my health. You make my heart stop!
Why don’t ants get sick? Because they have little anty-bodies.
Why did the baseball team recruit a tiny ghost?
Because they needed a little team spirit.
What do you call writing a book about breeding bats to pull carriages? A wheely bat idea.
Why do mice need oiling ?
Because they squeak !
What do you call a mythical being working in a smoothie store?
Mejuicea.
I came across a great movie about a semi-truck with a defective refrigeration unit that had to deliver a large shipment of meat.
Unfortunately, the trailer spoiled it.
In the paintball game, I shot a guy thrice. He dyed on impact.
The reason orange juice doesn’t slide well on hard wood floors is Because of pulp friction.
If you get married out on sea or in a boat...
is that a row-mance?
Do you think you know more parrot jokes than me? Toucan play that game!
What do you call a magician nut?
“An individual who is able to turn into a nut.”
Catherine and Peter performed great in 'Dancing with the Tsar'last night. But Ivan was terrible.
I want you to know how deeply I feel,
And know that these wishes are so true and real.
May you have a bright and love-filled day,
And may all happy things come your way.
I wish for you many smiles and laughter,
And to come home to my arms so happy ever after.
May it rain gumdrops, chocolate and money,
And I hope that today is comedic and funny.
And as you receive all these wonderful things,
Remember it was me who wished you all these blessings.
And know that these wishes were truly meant,
But just so you know, my cut is 50 percent!
We are a couple after all!
Did you hear about the zygote that joined the army?
I heard he was diploid.
Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
I heard Medusa looked really pretty.
In fact, her looks were stunning.
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal sized clippers?
Shear size.
I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.
Where will you find an FBI sketch artist? In the bureau drawer.
Where do you find giant snails? At the end of giants fingers!
How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off his tail, he'll be de-lighted.
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
What’s a skeleton’s least favorite room in the house?
The living room.
I want to start gardening, but I haven’t botany plants.
Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you between F and CK
Woman: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you before GLY
Chuck Norris doesn't pet any animals. Animals pet themselves when he approaches them.
I had a colonoscopy recently and believe it or not getting the camera up there doesn't hurt as much as you might think.
It's the crew that's the killer.
I'm going to start a business selling worms and Nintendo consoles
I'll call it "Bait and Switch."
Baseball point to ponder: Why do we sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" at the ballpark, if we're already there?
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