Why did the thieves kidnap the monkey?
Because they believed in gibbon take.

What is the difference between a deer running away and a small witch?
One is a hunted stag and one is a stunted hag!

Woke up with sweats afraid I'd contracted the corona virus...
Changed into jeans and was all good.

Why don’t elephants use computers?
Because they’re afraid of the mouse.

Why is it impossible to have a balanced conversation with a female mushroom? - Because shiitake too much!

What do you call a cold werewolf?
A chilli dog.

My funny guy, when I look at you,
Making faces, as you do,
To make me giggle, and keep me happy,
When I’m feeling down or sad or cr****,
I see someone who’s man enough
To just be silly, instead of tough
To give me gladness, bliss and joy,
That’s my man; that’s my big boy.
Happy birthday to the man
Who makes me laugh, because he can.

You can never get short balls over the net! Solution: Drop shot from arsenal.

There once was a fellow named Abe
And today is the day he was slayed
John Wilkes Booth took his life
As he sat with his wife
Who was visibly shocked and dismayed

In Kentucky Abe Lincoln was born
A State that would later be torn
When a war was declared
And a nation prepared
For a lot of dead soldiers to mourn

He moved the Hoosier State
Where they always have corn on their plate
In the law he was trained
Much respect he attained
Winning many a rousing debate

In The Senate he later would serve
With copious gusto and verve
Then The White House he sought
Which he won by a lot
But many down south were unnerved

As President, Lincoln decided
That the law of the land was misguided
And that slaves should be freed
But the south disagreed
And the country was badly divided

What ensued was a horrible war
Full of death and destruction galore
The battles were heated
The south was defeated
But one aimed to settle the score

Now one hundred and forty-nine years

Relationship status - table for one but drinks for two.

When is a turkey scary?
When it's a goblin.

My wife was trying to feed our son a pear, and he was refusing.
I said, Good news. Our son is immune to pear pressure.

How did Benjamin Franklin feel when he discovered electricity?
Shocked!

The turkey shot out of the oven

and rocketed into the air,

it knocked every plate off the table

and partly demolished a chair.

- Jack Prelutsky

My father and grandfather work for the DMV.
I come from a long line of long lines.

What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!

You: Can I borrow a quarter?
She: why? (if she says sure or something else get her to ask you why).
You: so I can call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams.

It's so cold that I’m drinking hot sauce instead of coffee.

The pineapple is pining for the summer.

What cartoon do horses like to watch?
Whinny the Pooh.

I sent my cows to bed at 8pm last night. I told them 'it's pasteur bedtime'.

What did the steak say when he came across his nemesis? Ah, we meat again!”

Did you hear about the zombie who was expelled from school?
He kept buttering up his teacher!

Here’s another one; what about an otter who lives in an emptied out melon? An ottermelon.

A french farmer who owned an olive plantation had a huge fire
He was extremely sad, he had lost his all his huile d'olive.

“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain

Where do parrots invest their money?
In the stork market

My bunny is fat
He loves to eat cabbage
No wonder he’s fat.

To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
A dull, dark dock, a life-long lock,
A short, sharp shock, a big black block!
To sit in solemn silence in a pestilential prison,
And awaiting the sensation
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!

What did the steak say to his girlfriend? You're the apple of my rib-eye!

Sometimes a pea starts acting like a diva. We call them a pea-Madonna.

"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"

- Chelsea Handler

Why are football players not allowed in bowling alleys?
After getting a strike, they spike the ball.

What song do tornados like?
“The Twist.”

"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."

A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.

Your lab or my lab?

What do you call a fish that floats on the surface?
Bob.

Meat cutters are really no good at stand up comedy; they tend to butcher all the best jokes.

A sheep, a drum and a snake fall down a cliff,
Ba-dum-tss

Your bible would look great on my nightstand.

A soda can, a gas tank and the Greek god Eros walked into a bar?
The bartender shook his head, “Here comes trouble.” A patron at the bar said, “What’s wrong?” The bartender replied, “Those guys get together and they become cantankeros.”

Why do bacon lettuce and tomatoes have the lowest IQ out of all the foods?
Because they're in-bred.

“When it comes to staying young, a mind-lift beats a face-lift any day.” – Marty Buccella

What kind of egg did the bad chicken lay? A deviled egg!

I’m bacon you! Please stop with the meat puns!

What's gray and furry on the inside and white on the outside? A mouse sandwich!

I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.

Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Where does a Tyrannosaurus sit when he comes to stay? Anywhere he wants to.