I thought, I thought of thinking of thanking you.
Roses are red, pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one, I’m not sharing with you.
How big is a clown's hard drive?
50 GiggleBytes
“I’ve always loved yoga because you get to connect to a deep religious truth while stretching your legs.” — Katya Zamolodchikova
Police arrested a man who dropped his phone in the ocean. The was charged with a salt in battery.
How does an antisocial crow say about a family party? "It was murder".
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
I just won local "Worst Body Odor Contest".
No one else came close.
A father was reading a book while his son was playing with toys on the floor. “Daddy, why is that book so thick?” asks the boy.
“It’s long story,” replies the father.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.
How does a car tell you to get out?
‘Get out, or I shall give you the boot.’
How did the horse get up the stairs?
He mounted them.
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
What do you call a hamster in between two slices of bread?
A ham sandwich.
I have a serious love-heat relationship with summer.
What do you drive in a river? An otter-mobile.
Why did the owl 'owl?
Because the Woodpecker would peck 'er.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
Young goats should be careful when they're out and and about and shouldn't jump into a stranger's car.
That's how you get kidnapped.
Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.
What’s the difference between Spring Break and Summer Break?
Jumping on the bed won’t make a Summer Break.
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
Why didn't the green pepper practice archery?
Because it didn't habanero.
Why is the moon a wanted criminal?
It’s constantly mooning people.
Do you have a quarter I can Bora Bora? I want to call my mom and tell her I've met the girl of my dreams.
Why is it easy for chicks to talk?
Because talk is cheep.
"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it."
- Ann Landers
It’s so cold it’s colder than any room packed with ex-wives.
What’s the difference between a horse and wet weather?
One reigns up and the other rains down.
There once was a young man called Kyle,
who worked at the circus a while.
He flew through the air,
with hardly a care,
and that's why his body's in a pile.
I see you driving
Round town with the girl I love
and I’m like Haiku.
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
Why do skeletons hate the cold?
It sends chills up their spine.
Nearly got knocked off of my bike by a council salt lorry.
You idiot, I shouted. Through gritted teeth.
The castle and court of Camelot were famous for their knight-life.
A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic.
A chicken walks up to him and says, "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."
What sound does it make when an ogre eats a witch for breakfast?
Snap cackle n' pop
A lot of William Shakespeare’s plays were based off of old Greek and Roman performances
That's playgarism if you ask me.
What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.
What party game do rabbits like to play?
Musical Hares!
Where do fish go to watch movies?
At the dive-in.
A newspaper man named Fling,
Could make "copy" from any old thing.
But the copy he wrote,
Of a five dollar note,
Was so good he is now wears so much bling.
Where does a dinosaur lay in the sun? At the dino-shore
Did you hear the one about the Troll who tried to pay for dinner with a gnome? He came up short on the bill.
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