What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck!
Living on Earth might be expensive. But we surely get a free trip around the sun every year!
What do sailors buy to customise the back of their ships?
Aft-ermarket parts!
What do you call a luxurious ant?
Decad-ant.
To a deep scholar said his wife:
“Would that I were a book, my life!
On me, then, you would sometimes look.
But I should wish to be the book
That you would mostly wish to see.
Then say, what volume should I be?”
“An Almanack,” said he, “my dear;
You know we change them every year.”
(John Dryden)
It's so hot, I saw a guy with a sign that said, "Will work for shade."
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
What is the favourite toothpaste of the security guards of a mining company?
Coalgate.
Q. What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
What is a teddy bear’s favorite Thanksgiving food?
Stuffing!
What do you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine?
A slow poke.
It's lit.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball?
When it’s been sliced.
Why are vampire families always so close knit?
Because blood is thicker than water.
If a young goat learns a martial art, are they a karate kid?
I memorized the first 300 digits of pi. If you gave me the 7 digits of your phone number, I could memorize them too.
What did the beaver say after she slipped in water?
Dam it.
What is a zombie’s favorite shampoo?
Head & Shoulders.
I would talk about Valentine’s Day
But it looks like I missed my date.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
Reading a shopping list, eh? I see we're both fans of the classics.
Why are beavers only found in freshwaters? Because they don't like stale water.
What did the mushroom request when booking his hotel? A shroom with a view, please!
My dear, I’ve got some important news,
Please know it’s nothing bad,
But today I had to X-ray my head,
And your picture is all it had!
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
My love for you is like a fruitcake during the holidays - nutty, spicy and unavoidable, no matter how hard you try.
What kind of chocolate do ghouls like?
Hearse-sheys!
Don’t make such a Dreyfus about it.
What did the carp say to his crush?
Don’t play koi with me!
Grasshoppers do not fancy soccer matches because most of them prefer cricket matches.
What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.
A bunch of vampire hunters needed to talk
So they scheduled a stakeholders meeting.
How do ghosts wash their hair? Sham-boo.
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
I did a good deed today by giving up my seat on the bus to an elderly lady...
How was I supposed to know she’d never driven a bus before?
My friend keeps joking about the thing he has to wear to cover his mouth while he's exercising outside.
It's a running gag.
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
I didn't know snow angels could fly as pretty as you skiing.
What do all French cars come with as standard?
A spare wheel of cheese.
“Monday, you're so jealous of my relationship with Sunday because I am so happy to see you leave!”
I was asked why I love to clean lemon juice from windows, to which I replied
“It’s easy peasy lemon squeegee.”
What did the owl’s valentine say?
You are hootiful.
Why were the herbs not fully grown yet? They didn't have enough thyme!
What did they baby corn say to the mama corn?
Where’s pop corn?
"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional" - Chili Davis
How do you make a dinosaur float? Put a scoop of ice cream in a glass of root beer, and add one dinosaur.
Why did the Sun never got into college? Because it already has quite a million degrees!
I started an insurance company for flower and gardening businesses...
It's called "oopsie daisies."
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
Go to BabaMail
