The colonized do not like British tea. They only want liber-tea.
The oldest computer was an apple given to Adam and Eve back in paradise lost, but it came with very limited memory of just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.
Q: How do you call a magic berry?
A: Cherry Potter.
Are you a fire alarm? because you are really freaking loud and annoying
Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.
My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff...
Badum chhh
"Just don't carrot all."
Where do gnomes first go when they log on to the internet?
The gnome page of course!
This birthday wish may be late,
And it may be over in a flash,
But its message is good anytime,
Because it comes with lots of cash.
Shake your shamrocks.
Do you know a bakery around? Because I would like to purchase a sweet like you.
A flamingo can be a really good friend to have. However, they generally fit the bill really well.
It’s so hot you can wash and dry your clothes at the same time.
If I was your heart would you let me beat?
What do you call a famous inmate? A cellebrity.
I did a good deed today by giving up my seat on the bus to an elderly lady...
How was I supposed to know she’d never driven a bus before?
Strawberries love delicious food. Their favorite is Jam-balaya.
Is it hot in here or am I just wearing two pairs of long johns?
Charlotte, would you char-let me rock your world?
What do you call a Greek philosopher who loves rice?
Arisotto.
"Do you like computers?" (yes.) "Do you like file sharing?" (yes) "Good, 'cause I'm downloadable and user friendly!"
Have you wondered what made the strawberry such a smoothie? It is the yoghurt of course.
What did the violin say when it finally played the music correctly?
Viola.
I'm a proverbs 32 kind of guy and you're a proverbs 31 kinda woman.
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
A strawberry usually needs batteries when it runs out of juice.
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
I always start my day with makeup. It's the foundation for a good day, y'know? It covers up anything from yesterday and really sets things in place so I can powder through my work.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
He wanted to get to the other slide.
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
The dentist said that he could knock me out with gas, or he could use a big metallic rock.
I said ether/ore.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate clauses.
What's a ghost's favorite makeup to wear? Mas-scare-a!
How does a bee travel to a tree? They get on the buzz.
What did the deer say to his friend who has slipping down the mountain?
Hang on for deer life!
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
— Charles M. Shulz
Are you a New Years resolution? Because we stopped working out after the first two weeks
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
Why did the mathematician work from home?
Because he could only function in his domain.
Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea weed.
What's green and got two wheels?
A motorpickle.
How do winged horses walk if they become pirates?
Peg-asus legs.
The best place to hide something is at an airport
You'd be hiding something in plane site.
What is a car’s favourite element?
Carbon.
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!
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