Are you a doughnut? Because I find you a-dough-rable.
My wife made gluten free, carb free, salt free spaghetti last night
It was not real food, it was an impasta.
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
“Anyone who has time for drama is not gardening enough”
— Anonymous
After watching me read “War and Peace”, my son asked me, “Dad, why is the book so thick?”
Me: Well, it’s a long story.
What is Tesla's favorite gun?
A musket
If I had a star for every time you brightened my day, I would be holding a galaxy.
Hey, how’ve you Ben?
When you come across oranges wearing suntan lotion, don’t judge them harshly. They do so in order not to peel.
A tree toad loved a she-toad,
Who lived up in a tree.
He was a three-toed tree toad,
But a two-toed toad was she.
The three-toed tree toad tried to win,
The two-toed she-toad's heart,
For the three-toed tree toad loved the ground,
That the two-toed tree toad trod.
But the three-toed tree toad tried in vain.
He couldn't please her whim.
From her tree toad bower,
With her two-toed power,
The she-toad vetoed him.
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
My girlfriend spilt hummus all over her...
Can't believe that chick pea'd herself.
What is a baby parrot's favourite game? Beak-a-boo!
Why won’t the mushroom buy a couch? - He prefers toadstools.
What is it called when a witch only casts spells that rhyme?
Poetry in Potion.
Where do brains go for vacation in Massachusetts?
Braintree, MA
What do you call a cemetery for bears?
Bearial grounds.
A man struggled to cut up his dinner. His wife asked, “what’s wrong, hunny?” The man sighed, and said:
“This knife just isn’t gonna cut it.”
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher that got killed by her students?
She couldn’t control her pupils.
A friend of mine swallowed some food colouring. He feels he dyed a little inside.
Looking out at the water, a father explains why the ice breaks up in the spring.
The changing sea son.
There once was a vicar at Kew
Who kept his pet cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
alphabetical Greek,
but it never got farther than µ.
Cut a piece of poo into three pieces today.
Now I have turds.
"My Cat Is Fat"
I’ve a cat named Vesters,
And he eats all day.
He always lays around,
And never wants to play.
Not even with a squeaky toy,
Nor anything that moves.
When I have him exercise,
He always disapproves.
So we’ve put him on a diet,
But now he yells all day.
And even though he’s thinner,
He still won’t come and play.
– James McDonald
What do you get when you cross a pig with a centipede?
Bacon and Legs.
Approximately how many Egyptians can be fitted inside a pyramid? A pharaoh mount.
What's a horse's favorite sport?
Stable tennis.
What do you call an old dog?
Grandpaw.
Did you see the guy with quad-arms play tennis? He has a great four-hand.
Do you like whales? Cause I was thinking that we could "humpback" at my place.
What did the blanket say to the bed? Don't worry, I've got you covered!
“I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I’m lying. – Rita Rudner
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
What do you call the Halloween costume contest winner? Mummy of the year.
Just hangin' with my gnomies.
Never trust math teachers who use graph paper.
They're *always* plotting something.
What did the structural engineer say to the architect? Nice buttress.
Breakfasts with my family always feel like a party because they're always making toasts.
What do you call a tree without teeth?
A gumtree.
Why do interns make the best Dungeons and Dragons players?
They do it for the Experience.
Foul Play Suspected In Death Of Man Found Handless, Bound And Hanged
When you cross a sheep and a wolf, you will end up with a new sheep, you can’t make such a costly mistake with wolves.
“Apologizing in advance for the things I say this winter.”
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
Did you hear the new pop song about Covid?
...it's pretty catchy.
My brother gave me whole milk, but I can only have nut milk with my cereal. How dairy!
The local motorway has become blocked after a truck shed it's load of brightly coloured writing paper and envelopes.
Police say the traffic is pretty stationery...
Why do physics professors prefer overweight students?
They have greater potential.
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
Go to BabaMail
