What do you call a super articulate dinosaur?
A Thesaurus.
What’s a goat’s favorite drink?
Goat-arade.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
Q. What happens when a gorilla has a melt down?
A. He goes absolutely bananas!
RIP boiled water.
You will be mist.
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot.”
“I’m actually banned from the Himalayas, because I’m too good at yoga.” – Judah Friedlander
Milk does the body good, but damn how much did you drink?
Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.
What happened when Turbo lost his shell? He began to feel sluggish.
Why shouldn't you mess with Santa? Because he has a black belt.
Life's a beach. Enjoy the waves.
What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud.
What did one ornament say to another? I like hanging with you.
What do you call two beautiful cat that sit together in the basin?
Purrfectly in sink.
Why is research more trustworthy if it comes from France?
It's Pierre-reviewed.
Can I buy you an Easter Egg?
Did you hear about the man who stole thousands of dollars worth of rare tea?
He went to prison for Oolong time.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee-fish!
"Really, our time together has just become more effort than you're worth."
What do you call a giant gorilla with pean u t butter in one ear and Jam in the other?
Anything you want, he's not going to hear you!
Man to wife, “Blow out your candles and make a wish”.
The wife does but a look of disappointment crosses her face.
“What’s the matter,” he asks.
“My wish didn’t work.” she replies.
“How do you know already?” he enquires.
“You’re still here.”
Don’t go bacon my heart.
Whats in a camels favorite cup of tea?
Camelmile
An arrogant gazelle walks up to a bunch of lions and tells them how much better he is than them.
He was consumed by pride.
They can prohibit my alcohol, you intoxicate me enough.
Wow call me Eve, because you just made me feel like the only girl in the world
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
What do pigs do on the evening of February 14th?
They have a valenswines dinner.
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
What did Delaware? a New Jersey
What does goblin's blood consist of?
Hemogoblin.
We have two turkeys at our house
'cause Mom and Gramma fight.
Neither one of them believes
the other roasts it right.
There's also two of stuffing,
two of home-made berry sauce.
Let's face it, there are two of each,
'cause both of them are boss.
We eat it all , some food from both,
in order to be nice.
We also make quite sure that when
we burp -- that we burp twice!
- Denise Rodgers
I have a great relationship with my mother… land.
How does a vampire bat enter his house?
Through the bat flap.
Can you put some hot sauce on my enchilada, I need some spice in my life.
Q: Why did the king go to the dentist?
A: To get his teeth crowned!
Cows will never make the police force because they simply refuse to go on steak-outs.
What has 6 legs, red hair, and flies?
No, seriously. This thing is scaring the heck out me.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Brown is the color
Of elephant poo.
What do you call really scared pasta?
Chicken noodles.
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
“Work is a necessity for man. Man invented the alarm clock."
~ Pablo Picasso
I used to live in in Aragon, in Spain.
Then I left.
I'm Aragone.
Why are goats and rhinos attracted to each other?
Because they are both horny animals.
What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist’s arm?
A tattoo.
Can I show you my yellow submarine?
What do you call a reptile that works on a farm?
An irri-gator.
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