The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.
There was no coffin at the funeral.
You're like milk, I want to make you a part of my complete breakfast.
“All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.”
― Unknown
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
What concert costs 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickelback.
Why should you never eat the fish in France?
Because it's poisson.
Why was the neuron sent to the principal's office?
It had trouble controlling its impulses.
Why did the bear quit his second job?
Because he needed some koalaty time with his family.
“Medidation, because some questions can’t be answered by Google.” — Inner Balance Wear
Today, we had to create a new hang position for some lighting fixtures. After all day trying, we couldn't get the new batten hung properly.
Turns out it was just a pipe dream.
I've stopped paying $6 for sham poo
After all, I make my own DIY genuine poo every morning.
How do you catch a unique bunny? Unique up on it.
“I'm not napping this is savasana.”
- Berndt Vogel
Do you have a map? Because I just got lost in your eyes.
"Good things come slow. Especially in distance running."
Bill Dellinger
What lives in apples and is an avid reader? A bookworm !
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
At a restaurant, the peach said, "Hey, I would like a peach of cake for dessert, thank you!"
My love for you is like diarrhea. I just can't hold it in.
What do you call a fishing boat with a great stereo?
bass boat.
It’s a good thing we’re bad at puzzles because there is no way we’re putting this shit back together.
What will you get if you cross a tiger and a watchdog? A terrified watchman.
I was going to make a joke about losing your senses due to COVID.
But I decided it was poor taste.
In the 1970s, hippies loved going to a Grateful Dead concert and getting toasted. That’s certainly the truth.
If fish is brain food, what do dumb people eat? Noodle soup.
What is a mountains favorite type of candy?
Snow caps.
What happens to Germans when they eat too many lemons?
They become sour krauts.
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
What is a frog's favorite time?
Leap year.
You’re my heartthrob.
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
I used to have a scuba diving business
But it went under.
What's the worst part about April Fools?
Jokes without punchlines.
I have a snake and he wants to enter your garden.
What kind of egg did the bad chicken lay? A deviled egg!
My mate Gavin passed away from heartburn last week.
Still can’t believe Gaviscon
What do you call the shirt a neurosurgeon wears to every brain surgery?
His specialty.
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
Is that a mirror in your pocket? Cause I can see myself in your pants!
What Do You Call A Clever Duck?
A wise quacker
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”
W. C. Fields
I had no one to help me when my computer and phone mutinied
I was left to my own devices.
Woman’s Rejection: Sorry. I don’t date guys I pit-y
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
"Hey there, hop stuff."
The chocolate couple decided to rent a two bedroom sweet for their summer honeymoon.
There's this vampire who's more powerful than any other, because he can't be hurt by the sun
All other vampires pale in comparison.
Why did the soccer player bring string to the game? So he could tie the score.
Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?
No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise...’
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