How do shellfish get to the hospital?
In a clambulance!
What is the brain's favorite television channel?
The Neural Network.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
What is the hardest part about being a tree? You have so many limbs, but you still can’t walk.
When it was raining yesterday, I saw a man use ketchup and I got quite shocked. It is only later that I learnt he was taking advantage of the raining cats and hot dogs.
What do you say if you meet a toad?
Wart's new?
Why did the zombie comedian get booed off stage?
Because the jokes he told were rotten.
Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins?
He baptized one and kept the other as control.
"I'll have a double cappuccino, half-caf, non-fat milk, with enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing, but not so much that it would leave a mustache."
— Niles Crane
Hey girl, I hope you see that I'm not like all the otters!
The fact that I'm missing some teeth only means that there's more room for your tongue.
What is a parrot's favourite colour shade?
Polly-chromatic
Two fish were swimming in a stream when it began to rain.
One fish said, “Quick, let’s swim under that bridge, otherwise we will get wet!”
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat? 'Here Kitty, kitty, kitty'!
"Don't ever think I fell for you, or fell over you. I didn't fall in love, I rose in it."
― Toni Morrison, Jazz
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
Why are there so many ruts in the ice at the rink?
The maintenance crew must be slipping up.
What do horses get after graduating university?
A pedegree.
If you want to ask someone to borrow their peas, you have to say pea-lease.
"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."
- Unknown
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Easter? I hardly even knew her.
Were you born in 1789? Because you’re a real classical beauty
How do two cherries make up after an argument? They cherry the hatchet.
Where does King Arthur throw his stupid knights?
In the Dumbgeon.
“I’ve had entire relationships that didn’t get as far as these airport security checkpoints.”
— Michael LeRoux
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
What does Eric Clapton and a cup of coffee have in common? They both suck without Cream.
Well, there are mixed reviews. People say the food is great. But there is no atmosphere or ambience.
What’s the difference between a comma and a cat?
One has the paws before the claws, the other has the clause before the pause.
Why don`t ducks tell jokes when they fly?
Because they would quack up.
What keeps the beat in a baseball song?
The bass line.
Choreographers are always hard to get in touch with because they are always blocking you.
“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.”
What do you call a Korean knight who is looking for his lost belongings? He goes by the name Sir Ching!
You're the only sight I want to see today.
Why did the realtor buy his home right beside a porta-potty?
Because it was a leakfront property!
Why do dwarves hunt dragons in the morning?
Because the early beard gets the wyrm.
What did the baby mosquito say after his first flight?
“Mama, mama! Did you see that? Everyone was clapping for me!”
What do you call 2000 mockingbirds?
2 kilo mockingbird
"If your doctor's last name is Google, it's time to get a second opinion…" - Toni Bernhard, J.D.
Which dinosaur can't stay out of the rain? A Stegosaur-rust
Wife: "I'm pregnant."
Me: "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad."
Wife: "No you're not."
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
Why did the peanut take everything off its wall? It didn’t want any walnuts.
Hey Cameron, did you know your name was an anagram for romance?
I had an art contest with my friend.
It ended in a draw.
“I’m taking 4 kids ages 6 and under on a 9-hour road trip. We’ve already had 2 major tantrums. We haven’t even left yet. Avenge my death.”
— James Breakwell
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
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