The weather outside is snow joke.
I'm so Midwestern, it's in my blood
I'm type Ohp!-ositive
We bee-long together.
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
Why do girl ghosts go on diets? So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
What’s a ghoul’s favorite love story?
Romeo and Ghouliet!
Where do werewolves store their things?
In a were-house.
What did one eyeball say to the other?
Between you and me, something smells.
What did the pastry cook say when he was making the cake?
Bat-a-cake. Bat-a-cake.
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
The hotdog severely fell behind in school which is why he has to ketchup.
What did the farmer yell out when ducks invaded his dairy farm? Cheese and crackers!
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
They flipper coin!
The other day someone made fun of my ears for hanging down too far.
Lobe low, dude.
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
What was the biologist wearing on his first date with a hot chick? Designer jeans.
From the b-autumn of my heart, I love fall!
Where do they make all the decisions on a dairy farm? At the city cow-ncil.
Flamingos are great at social events; they flamingle really well.
“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”—Ogden Nash
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
I accidentally injured my girlfriend with a mouth organ.
I really didn't mean to harm Monica.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Q: What do you do with unruly green kids?
A: Make them do limeout.
Can I show you my yellow submarine?
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
What happened when the koala house party got a little too far out of hand? One of the neighbors koalaed the cops.
Why is the world so diverse?
Because it contains alkynes of people.
Wanna have a bath with me.. you can play with my rubber dickie.
Why did the zombie comedian get booed off stage?
Because the jokes he told were rotten.
How do you learn more about spiders that live in the rainforest? Check out their web site!
Are you my training plan? Because I'll go as long as you tell me to.
Where did the ghost go on holiday? The Boohamas.
Why did the Iron Chef have to stop cooking? He ran out of Thyme.
A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren't very supportive. They kept telling him to get with the times,
New Roman.
What is yellow on the inside and green on the outside? A banana dressed up as a cucumber !
Why are horses so good at the shooting range?
They’re hunters.
I would say that life for the majority of people in the middle ages was rather peasant.
What was Santa's best subject in school? Chemistree.
What do you do if you find a blue Ichthyosaur ? Cheer him up!
What do you call an evil cow?
De-mooooon.
Q. What do you call a gorilla who studies large primates and has great grades?
A. Ape lust student.
What’s a shark’s favorite science fiction TV show?
Shark Trek.
One of my friends got lost while touring Tokyo. Turns out it was all Ja-plan.
Did you hear about the artist that has been drawing very small, colorful noodles?
He drew an itsy, bitsy, teeny-weeny, yellow, polka dot linguini.
What happened when the cargo ship full of books sank?
It caused a title wave!
What’s the scariest plant?
BamBoo.
What happened to the cherry that got married to an apple? They are living apple-y ever after.
How much caramel can a canny canonball cram in a camel if a canny canonball can cram caramel in a camel?
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