“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
What is a cat’s favorite kitchen tool? The whisk-er.
"Laughing 'til I'm coffin."
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
I take it that you are the captain of the sun.
What's more amazing than a talking turkey? A spelling bee!
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
How did the koala bear get the high-paying job? He met all of the koalafications.
Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”
What do you call a big queue of trucks, making cheesy one-liners? A pick-up line.
My friend is trying to persuade me to invest in his knife making business.
He made some excellent points.
Wikipedia: I know everything!
Google: I have everything!
Facebook: I know everybody!
Internet: Without me you are nothing!
Electricity: Keep talking smart guys...
Where do fish stay on a campsite?
Fish stay in tentacles while they are camping!
March 17 is near, and I am so excited about it. The clover it gets, the more excited I become.
Did you hear about the bear with the bad heart?
It went into kodiak arrest.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
Gummy Bear.
The high school music teacher was controversial for having his students read band books.
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I can ever repay you.
“If you’re lucky this Christmas, Santa Claus will grace you with his presents.”
I want to ask you out, but I’ve got butterflies in my stomach. And worms. And maggots…
What is a con artist's truck towed with?
A pickup line
I would tell a time travel joke,
but you didn't like it.
"A change of latitude would help my attitude."
How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana? Try picking it up. If you can't, it's either a monster or a giant banana.
What do crows drink in order to stay awake? They drink cawfee.
What do you think
The bravest drink
Under the sky?”
“Strong beer,” said I.
“There’s a place for everything,
Everything, anything,
There’s a place for everything
Where it ought to be:
For a chicken, the hen’s wing;
For poison, the bee’s sting;
For almond-blossom, Spring;
A beerhouse for me.”
“There’s a prize for everyone,
Everyone, anyone,
There’s a prize for everyone,
Whoever he may be:
Crags for the mountaineer,
Flags for the Fusilier,
For English poets, beer!
Strong beer for me!
(Robert Graves)
Good science always checks itself before it wrecks itself.
I need a date; do you know where I could find one?
So I was standing in the grocery store comparing the prices of a couple packs of hummus when my roommate came up to me and suggest the off brand roasted red pepper kind to which I replied:
"Ya, I'm not really sure about that brand. They seem to be very hit and hummus for me."
He was not impressed.
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin.
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
There was an Old Man with a flute,
A sarpint ran into his boot;
But he played daay and night,
Till the sarpint took flight,
And avoided that man with a flute.
Last night I was but by a bloodsucker from the moon.
Damn lunatics.
“During summer vacation, you get to do all your favorite things; cook hot dogs over a campfire (while being eaten alive by mosquitoes).”
– Bruce Lansky
Apart from being a running gear model, what do you do for a living?
Do you also feel the strong gravitational pull of my bed?
"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett
Rhys watched Ross switch his Irish wristwatch for a Swiss wristwatch.
Why did the two 4's skip lunch? They already 8 (ate).
Halloween candy is yummy and all, but don't forget to save room for 'I scream.'
How to cars convince you?
By telling you that ‘you Audi-believe it.’
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
There are approximately 1,010,300 words in the English language.
But I could never string together enough words to properly express how beautiful you are.
My wife was at the store earlier and she texted me saying, “Should I buy new beach towels?”
I wrote back, “Shore.”
What kind of a key opens a banana? A monkey!
In what country is Thanksgiving, ironically, not celebrated? Turkey.
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
What do you call a troll that’s in charge?
In control.
Why don’t monkeys play cards in the jungle?
Because there are too many cheetahs.
Why did the doctor cross the road?
Hard to say really. Could be any number of reasons.
Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
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