How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
“I love road trips. You get into this Zen rhythm; throw the sense of time out the window.”
– Miriam Toews
I’ve never seen stars as beautiful as your eyes.
The skeleton would love to see the latest horror flick, but he just doesn't have the guts for it.
Took a tour of Pisa, Italy...
Tour guide said “Hello, my name is Eileen.”
How do ghosts take their eggs? Terri-fried.
What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMn!
After being stuck in the ice storm all day long, the man said, "I am starving. Can I avalanche?"
What kind of ice cream does Dracula eat?
Veinilla.
Ship Captain: Guys, I need help. I don’t remember how to write 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I Captain.
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
What is the favorite chess move of ants with bladder problems?
En pissant.
"It is better to wear out than to rust out." - Bishop Richard Cumberland
Are you an alien? Because I believe you’ve abducted my heart.
What do you call it when a beautiful woman tries to trick you into giving her a pig?
A bae con.
How do you make a million dollars playing jazz? Start off with 2 million.
I bet you sound like a Tasmanian Devil in bed.
My son asked me if we were related to any Egyptian Pharaohs.
I told him, unfortunately son we do not even have so much as a toot in common.
What do you call an elf who runs away from Santa's Workshop? A rebel without a Claus!
What is a ghost pirate’s favorite kind of tea?
Boo tea!
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
Entwining your fingers in mine
The feeling is simply divine
Running my hands through your beard
Is anything but weird
Rubbing our bare feet together
Is the epitome of pleasure
When our teeth accidentally clash
I love the way we laugh
(Anonymous)
My Wifi password is "writtenontherouter"
And I let all my guests walk to the router and let them unsuccessfully try to use the initial password until I tell them it's literally "writtenontherouter".
I feel thankful for having you as my gym buddy and lover.
Our relationship is really working out.
What do you get when you cross Speedy Gonzales with a country singer? Arriba McEntire.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo."
- Al Gore
"People complain that there are delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years."
- Louis C.K.
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.
What kind of candy is never on time? ChocoLATE
“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
George Carlin
Why don't quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage? Because they produce audible groans!
"Laughing 'til I'm coffin."
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
Seeing that you're new here, let me show you where the water fountain is...the next drink's on me.
A turkey's favorite dessert is a strawberry gobbler.
How did the pine propose to the apple? With a pineapple ring.
Did you hear about the hungry clock? It went back four seconds.
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a hyena?
A monster with a sense of humor.
Excuse me, could you point me toward the Self-Help section? I need some advice on how to approach a gorgeous guy in a bookstore without seeming creepy.
What did the deer say when he left the barbershop?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
The reason lakes are bigger than rivers is because one has running water whereas the other water is merely standing.
You must be copper because I always cu in my dreams.
How did the mushroom end up on a vacation abroad? It was just a spore of the moment decision!
What did the pig say on a hot summer’s day?
I’m bacon!
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