Who needs a sled when you can just ride me?
A day with you is like an eternity of behind-the-ear scratches.
What is the only difference between a lion and a tiger? The mane part is missing in a tiger.
A father was reading a book while his son was playing with toys on the floor. “Daddy, why is that book so thick?” asks the boy.
“It’s long story,” replies the father.
Why did the computer go to the doctor? Because it had a virus!
Are you a Pepsi? Because you're so-da-licious!
What kind of jokes do you make in the shower? Clean Jokes!
Is Spotify down? Well the music in my house is now up. Wanna come by and listen to records?
What do you call a sleeping pizza?
A piZZZZZZa.
"The only b.s I need is bikini and sandals"
Does your computer constantly and annoyingly have tons of updates to install?
Of course it does. Software needs to get better over a number of years and you can't rush the progress.
Chrome wasn't built in a day.
When indoor toilets were introduced in Britain, it was considered to be a revo-loo-tionary move.
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.
There was no coffin at the funeral.
Where did the bull carry his stock-market report?
In his beef case
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
Q: How does an artist fill in a CV?
A: He draws on experience.
What did the period say to the sentence? We better stop now!
At a get-together, one fruit asked another "I was wondering how have you been". The other replied "Just peachy, isn't that grape?"
Why do army snipers close one eye while shooting?
Because if they closed both eyes they wouldn't be able to see.
What Do You Say To A One Legged Hitch Hiker
Hop In.
How come Crabs never share with their friends?
Because they're Shellfish.
In the 1970s, hippies loved going to a Grateful Dead concert and getting toasted. That’s certainly the truth.
“July is a blind date with summer.”
– Hal Borland
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
In what type of weather is the vet the busiest?
When its raining cats and dogs.
I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy
I saw a pun on chocolate bars but it wasn’t that fun
So I just snickered.
Thank you for helping me. Biscuit’s the yeast I could do.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Annie
Annie who?
Annie one you like!
What do you call a periodic table with gold missing? "Au revoir"
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iva.
Iva who?
I’ve a sore hand from knocking!
The reason he went smiling all the way to the jail is because the judge sentenced him to a life behind chocolate bars.
A female sheep and a couple of aggressive birds are sitting on the veranda. What language do they speak?
Porchewegeese.
What do French cars wear as hats?
Bonnets.
What do you give a dog with a fever?… Mustard, it’s the best thing for a hot dog.
What do you call a communist vampire?
A red blood count.
Prepare to be bowled over.
“I’ve had entire relationships that didn’t get as far as these airport security checkpoints.”
— Michael LeRoux
Why do ants work so hard?
They are all serv-ants.
"The Fly"
God in his wisdom made the fly
And then forgot to tell us why.
– Ogden Nash
It’s a season of giving, so you should give me your phone number.
What do you call a knight who just wants to fight with an opponent on level grounds? He is called Sir Face!
You wanna know who makes my life complete? Read the first word in this sentence.
I was recently fired from my job operating rides at the carnival
My lawyer has advised suing for funfair dismissal.
What is a cat’s favorite type of water? Purr-ified!
Hey did you know you can’t spell Dreamy without Amy?
Why did the gorilla cross the road? He had to take care of some monkey business.
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