"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
What did the aged cheddar say when his mom told him he couldn’t see a movie that was rated R?
“I’m mature for my age.”
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice burg-ers.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
What do you call a well-balanced horse?
Stable.
My friend told me he had to leave the play after Act l. Knowing he'd waited forever to see it, I asked him why. He said the program stated that Act ll was two years later, and he refused to wait that long.
“It is a grave error to assume that ice cream consumption requires hot weather.”
- Anne Fadiman
What do you call a person that chops up cereal. a cereal killer.
Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.
What is a koala’s favorite exercise?
Bearobics.
What do you get if you cross a lemon with a dinosaur
Tyrannosourest Rex.
Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?
Classical conditioning.
You’re wine in a million.
Why did the banana go to the hairdressers? Because it had split ends!
Why do brain cells grown in a dish attend the ballet and opera?
Because they are very cultured.
What do you call an eternity? Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.
My son asked me, what’s a Greek urn?
I said, “about 20 drachmas a day.”
Q: How do two cherries make up after an argument?
A: They cherry the hatchet.
My father always taught me to be prepared for any emergency. I was on the ball when the streets flooded...
I was ready and wading!
The lager you wait, the better it tastes.
Life is better when we stick together.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
Why did the man with one hand cross the road? To get to the second hand shop.
What do you call someone who specializes in growing plants used in witches’ brews?
A hag-riculturist!
“My mind says ‘abs’ but my heart says ‘cheese fries’.”
― Unknown
What do you call the generation of people that migrated from Italy?
Genitalia.
How do you confuse a blonde? Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
Apple and orange were the only two left that evening. Everyone else had dates.
It was my first attempt at repairing my wobbly picnic table.
I totally nailed it.
What did the magician say to the fisherman?
"Pick a cod, any cod."
What did the pig say on a hot summer’s day?
I’m bacon!
Girl sat on a swing.
Trying to sing a song for god.
Missing him, not me.
What is a deer’s favorite meal of the day?
“Deer-ner.”
The cat’s out of the bag – I love you purry much.
Do baseball players ever wear armor?
Only during knight games.
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.
What type of underwear does a yard wear?
Lawngerie.
It wasn’t my idea to get bidet...
But now I kinda like the little squirt.
Can I check the tag on your clothes?
Why, because I'm made in heaven?
No, because your sweating profusely through your armpits and I want to avoid purchasing this fabric in the future.
I always wondered why the watermelon loving librarian never touched any of the books; turns out she’d red them all.
My pet raven, Poe, started coughing... thought it was Corvid-19, but then the bird flu away. Think I will see him nevermore.
What cheese surrounds a medieval castle? Moatzeralla
What do you call a zoo that has only giraffes in it?
Giraffic Park.
When his driving had gotten bizarre
Grandpa’s kids tossed his keys very far
So he hitched into town
Laid some good money down
And then simply brought home a new car.
A french farmer who owned an olive plantation had a huge fire
He was extremely sad, he had lost his all his huile d'olive.
What are the longest lasting relationships in the fruit world? Orange-d marriages.
"We pay our gym membership for the permission to exercise in the gym, not for the owner(s) of the gym to exercise for us."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana.
I like my wine sweet and my humor dry.
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