Republicans Turned Off By Size Of Obama’s Package
"When reality and dreams collide, typically it’s just your alarm clock going off.”
— Crystal Woods
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns
It’s so cold it’s colder than any room packed with ex-wives.
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
What do you get if you cross a pig with a dinosaur ? Jurassic Pork!
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
How do ghosts find out their future? They read their horror-scopes.
I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.
I call it "Book Club"
“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”
“I find being a Pisces a bit of a rollercoaster sometimes! I can talk myself right in and right out of any decision, any subject, any time.”
— Mary English
Working as a dock hand is hard,
but it's wharf it.
A man and his wife are playing Dungeons and Dragons together...
During the man's turn, he rolls his D20 and rolls a 1. Simultaneously, he stubs his toe against the table leg so hard that his toe essentially falls off. Blood everywhere. The wife has to rush them both to the ER.
She's waiting.
She's waiting...
The doctor emerges, and the wife rushes over. "How is my husband? What's his condition?"
The doctor replies: "Critical, miss."
Your profile pic is so cute. The human isn't too bad looking either.
Why can't mermaids use the letters A or B?
They only know what's below C level.
What is a giraffe’s favorite fruit?
Necktarines.
I bet you’re really flexible.
What does a lemon pie and my wife have in common?
They both have meringue on them.
Remember, Irish puns on St. Patrick's Day don't just shame you. They Seamus all.
We got a huge jack-o-lantern this fall. It gave the neighbors pumpkin to talk about.
The garden where only white cars are driven can be called a garden of white carnation.
"Cabernet. More like, caber-yay!"
What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig?
A teddy boar.
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
A crocodile tried to copy a rooster to wake his friends one morning, he went croc-a-doodle do.
My husband was allergic to my cat so I knew I had to get rid of him… so I’m looking to rehome Gerry, he’s thirty-five and works in accounting!
If I ever get drafted into the Navy, and they make me choose what boat to get on.
I would just say frig it.
The local band stand was struck by lightening yesterday while the band was playing.
Only the conductor was hit.
I once had my identity stolen by a cement truck driver. It took me ages to track him down, but now I have concrete evidence.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
Did you hear about the rich rabbit? He was a millionhare!
What’s a missionary’s favorite type of car?
A convertible.
My dog got a promotion.
She’s now a branch manager.
It’s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with potholders.
I’m a fraction – be my other half.
There once was a child in Spain.
Who loved to play in the rain.
One day he tripped.
And broke his hip.
Now he is in serious pain.
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
Whats The Most tiniest Virus Ever? "smallpox".
What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? Milk and Quackers!
I don’t want an apple a day because I don’t want you to go away.
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
Ellen DeGeneres
“When I figured out how to work my grill, it was quite a moment. I discovered that summer is a completely different experience when you know how to grill.”
— Taylor Swift
“I just wanna kick it in the woods with my birches.”
Is it hard to count conifers? It’s as simple as one, two, tree!
There was a Young Lady of Sweden,
Who went by the slow rain to Weedon;
When they cried, 'Weedon Station!'
She made no observation
But thought she should go back to Sweden.
The troll told his girlfriend that he was head ogre heels for her.
I felt like telling you the joke about a strawberry jam on a piece of bread, but I won't. You might go around spreading it.
The Scotland football team went to visit an orphanage in Kazakhstan this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible"
said Anatoly, aged 6.
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