What streets do ghosts haunt? Dead ends!
I saw a road sign the other day that said "Dip In Road"
I turned the corner and drove straight into a load of hummus
My peach friend shaved for the first time the other day, he looks like a nectarine!
Why shouln’t you rub avocado in your eyes?
You might get guacoma.
Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.
Biology - It grows on you.
Shave a single shingle thin.
I was walking down the road and slipped on some dog poo. Someone came up behind me and slipped as well. Trying to sympathize, I said "I just did that!"
They slapped me and said "use the toilet next time"
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
Where do Eskimos keep their eggs?
In the egg-loo.
How excited was the gardener about spring?
So excited he wet his plants.
Who is a geologist’s favorite band?
The Rolling Stones.
What do you call a shark that can’t stop singing “U Cant Touch This?”
An M.C. Hammerhead.
This is snow laughing matter!
“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”—Ogden Nash
Why do ducks have tail feathers?
To cover their buttquacks.
What do you call a bus full of smart people?
A Scholarship
Some people prefer milk after it has churned. I guess they find it butter that way.
Q. How do the doe and stag open the entry to their vacation cabin in the woods?
A. They just turn the deer knob.
What is the king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Hail, of course!
What did Delaware? a New Jersey
Why did the volleyball player not want to travel? Because he had been there and dug that.
What's E.T. short for?
Because he's got little legs.
What happens when you hire an odd-job guy to do 8 jobs?
They only do 1, 3, 5 and 7.
“I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.”
– Oscar Wilde
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
How Many Engineers Does It Take to Assemble a Futon?
Three…and a psychologist!
A disappointed Dad tells a knock-knock joke to his teenage son: "Knock knock." "Who's there?" "You're a mountain." "You're a mountain, who?" "You're a mountain to nothing, son!"
What pizza do dogs eat?
Puperoni.
I just heard some coyotes outside. I don't want to sleep a lone wolf tonight.
When did the dentist develop tooth pain?
Tooth-hurty!
Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.
What do neurons do on their birthdays?
They cell-ebrate
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
What do you get if you cross an apple with a shellfish? A crab apple !
Coworker: Hey, I reallly like your hair! What's your secret?
Me: Thank-you! I don't get very many complements on it. Most people are gel-ous.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
Where’s the best place to find out information about pistachios?
The inter-nut.
Roses are red
that much is true.
But violets are purple
not freaking blue.
I told the doctor I was deaf in my left ear he said 'are you sure?'
Then I said 'I'm definite."
“Work is a necessity for man. Man invented the alarm clock."
~ Pablo Picasso
What do you call 2000 pounds of Chinese soup? Won Ton.
Even The Beatles think that we should "Come Together." "Right now."
Some see a puddle of mosquito larva.
I see a pool of enbitenment.
What plant do both Spaniards and French agree is the best?
Seaweed.
What's the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize.
What’s the preacher’s favorite fall song? A-maize-ing Grace.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
Many basketball players fail their tests in school because they do not want to pass.
Go to BabaMail
