That dress would look great on my bedroom floor!
What type of pool do mechanics like best?
The car pool!
If a crab worked in a pizza parlor, which station would it work?
The crust station.
If you were a boat I would keep you in a garage.
Why don’t most people enjoy jokes about taco shells?
They’re too corny
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Worm!
Worm who?
Worm to meet you!
I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.
Behind every successful man is an exhausted woman.
Where do polar bears keep their money?
In a snow bank.
I wish I was a pronoun so I could be the direct object of your affection!
Why Did the Whale Cross the Ocean?
To get to the other tide.
You are in my heart, my mind, and in my entire body.
In fact, my doctor says that you must be a parasite!
What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter? Pumpkin-Pie!
Where is a flamingo’s favourite place to dance? The hop, of course!
I have no shelf control.
When is an MLB ballpark the hottest?
After all the fans have left.
Why can't Woody play his guitar?
He doesn't know where his Pixar.
What did the mermaid wear to math class?
An algae-bra.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
If you can’t decide which side to take to Thanksgiving.
Bringing your side piece is guarenteed to cause drama.
I thought happiness started with an H. Why does mine start with U?
I heard you are a goalkeeper, can you keep me forever?
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
There was a young fellow named Clyde,
who fell in an outhouse and died.
Along came his brother,
and fell in another,
and now they're interred side by side.
Here’s more proof that I’ve gone off the deep end.
I know why Solomon had 600 wives, because he never found you.
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
The first time I saw your hiking boots, I knew we were sole-mates.
If you were words on a page, you’d be fine print.
Never talk to me about fashion
It just goes in one year and out the other
I recently opened a building with an exhibition of dermatological skin cases.
It’s a real gallery of the fine warts.
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.
Today, I am eating a bun filled with pineapple and ham for my dinner. That is Hawaii roll.
How do you make an Octupus laugh? With ten-tickles
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
Her: "Buffalo meat is delicious. What are they made of? Beef?"
Me: "No... They're made of buff."
Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.
What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
Fission Chips.
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
Why does Britain like tea so much?
Because tea leaves.
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.
There was no coffin at the funeral.
I'm on a hunt - for your number.
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
I feel like a Christmas tree when you talk to me because I light up.
It says right here that this frozen pizza is enough for two.
"I Can Rise And Shine"
I can rise and shine, but not at the same time,
You’ll have to pick one, or you’ll miss all the fun.
It’s the wrong side of the bed or the pounding in my head,
It must be all that beer, but there’s nothing to fear.
For despite my bad smell, I plead you not to yell,
And though I am lazy, please don’t get all crazy.
After all, I’m a man; I’m a male, just a guy,
And you knew what you were getting into when you gave us a try!
My mother's sister was a gamble who enjoyed poker. She would heartily add to the initial pot but fold after the first hand...
We called her Auntie Up.
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