What kind of degree can you get at a urinal?
A Pee h.D.
The only kind of Rock music that the Pilgrims were fond of was Plymouth Rock.
I dropped my cactus the other day
Worst part is, I caught it
When I wrote the history of cheese for our term paper in school, our History teacher said it was grate.
What do stylish kangaroos wear?
Jumpsuits.
What is a mathematician's favorite part of a big Thanksgiving feast?
Pumpkin pi.
Why do trees always hold grudges? Because they never fir-get.
Why did the thief steal a pig? Because he was a hamburglar.
What do you call a hairy beast that’s lost?
A where-wolf!
Don't even chai.
My buddies bet me that I wouldn't be able to start a conversation with the most beautiful girl on the river. Would you like to get a drink later with their money?
What did the turkey say during Thanksgiving?
It was too stuffed to say anything.
“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Author Unknown
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
White wine costs less,
Than dinner for two.
Your plants have taken roots deep within my heart.
Are you a thief? Because you stole a year of my life.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
How much do you love rainbows? Just a skittle bit.
What do you call a broke santa? Give up yet? It's Saint-NICKEL-LESS.
You seem to be traveling at the speed of light, because time always seems to stop when I look at you.
Why was the snake mad at the jewel thief?
Because he wanted his diamondback.
I'm a man without a country. Can I be a citizen of you?
This whole birthday thing is getting old, don’t you think?
Made a whole bunch of dad jokes at Thanksgiving dinner...
I pulled out all the Pops!
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
What do you call it when a dinosaur gets in a car accident? Tyrannasaurus wreck!
What do you call a cat that gets what they want? Purr-suasive.
The only thing tender today is my heart for you
Caesar accused Brutus of cannibalism. "Ate dudes, Brutus?"
Are you powdered sugar? Because you're sweet, and fine!
What did the owl’s valentine say?
You are hootiful.
The best place to search for information about witches is wicca-pedia.
I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.
Hey! Get lost wasp you are a pesky swine
This cherry ice cream is mine ALL mine
You buzz around and make my life hell
Look - this ice cream is for ME it tastes so swell
I need to cool down, gee here it’s really hot
So buzz off pesky wasp or you will swat
(Jan Allison)
What was the most famous bat comedy team?
Ab-bat and Costello.
There once was a man from Peru,
Who had a lot of growing up to do.
He'd ring a doorbell,
then run like hell,
Until the owner shot him with a .22
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid in existence? It’s pasteurized before you ever notice.
Football is one habit I will never kick.
What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
I was throwing oranges at tropical birds. One of them caught one then said: “Toucan play that game”
Goldfish Is Saved From Drowning
What do chickens call school tests?
Eggs-aminations.
Girl: "Babe I'm pregnant you're the father."
Guy: "Can't fool me it's April's Fools Day!"
Girl: "Haha! got me! You're not the father."
Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
If you must cross a course cross cow across a crowded cow crossing, cross the cross coarse cow across the crowded cow crossing carefully.
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
I went to a theater performance done on a bunch of dictionaries the other day...
It was a play on words.
Why did the king order his new castle be built in the evening?
For the night knights!
I'd start a revolution for your number.
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