“If you are not killing plants, you are not really stretching yourself as a gardener.”
— J.C. Raulston
Why are Minotaurs always broke?
Because their loan sharks are always milking them dry!
My sister thinks that she is so intelligent. She says onion is the only food which makes her cry. That is the reason why I threw a pineapple at her face.
When I asked my History teacher if he knew about Einstein's origin and history, he said, "I am relatively aware of it."
Can I have directions?
To your heart.
Don't add honey to your tea. You are already sweet enough!
No one laughed at my soup puns. I said "When I crack a soup joke, everyone is soup-posed to laugh".
What does a skeleton play in a band?
A Trom-Bone.
Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.
How one snowman greets the other one?
Ice to meet you.
What did the mummy say to the zombie?
- Stop ragging on me!
What do you call a glass of pig’s blood?
Swine.
What happens when two frogs collide?
They get tongue tied.
“When it snows you have two choices. Shovel or snow angels.”
Here they come, with birthday cheer,
Bringing gifts just once a year,
People you don't even like;
You really wish they'd take a hike.
This should be a glad occasion;
But it seems more like a SWAT invasion.
Go away! Just take a break!
Oh well, at least there's birthday cake.
(Joanna Fuchs)
Is your vocal range tenor? Because if there were tenor (ten of) you Iwould be very happy.
What do you call a father who’s against hand bags?
Antiperspirant.
My mom's sister once mistook Ritalin for aspirin...
It really upped the aunty!
How do you know it’s getting kind of serious with a cheese lover?
They tell you they are pretty fondue you.
I used to hate my husband's cologne...
But then it started to rub off on me.
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate?
A Kitty Kat bar.
Doctor Doctor I've broken my arm in four places.
Docter: Well stop going to those 4 places then!
"The main point of a cruise is to eat until you weigh the same as the boat."
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife
Happy Mother’s Day!
“The first 40 years of life give us the text; the next 30 supply the commentary on it.” – Arthur Schopenhauer
This headlamp isn’t the only thing getting turned on tonight.
Why can't a leopard hide? Because he's always spotted!
Where do you put nectarines when you want to freeze them? Inside the peach-zer.
Why did the Iron Chef have to stop cooking? He ran out of Thyme.
Why couldn't the warden decide whether to allow the prison football team play the professional football team?
The idea had its pros and cons.
What does a bee use to brush it's hair ?
A Honeycomb.
What type of dog chases anything red?
A bull dog.
Where do parrots get away on holiday? To the beak!
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
What does a frog in Paris eat?
French Flies.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him.
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
A guy ate only metal bars for thanksgiving
He was gratefull
One more thyme.
What did the baby mouse do when she saw a bat?
She ran home and told her mother she saw an angel
Hey Baby, wanna find out why they call me Pumpkin-Head?
Because it was so foggy at my father’s funeral, he was buried in the wrong plot.
It was a grave mist-stake.
If you’re doing dangerous work on a platform that’s held together by screwed in bolts, then your life is hanging by a thread.
Did you hear about the panda that had a slight stutter?
Seems it’s a story that bears repeating.
When you meet someone, you don't want to get off to a bad art!
Did you hear about the cow that was lifted into the air by a tornado? It was an udder disaster!
Just hangin' with my gnomies.
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