When does a sloth go "moo"? When it is learning a new language!
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Mikey.
Mikey who?
Mikey doesn’t fit in the keyhole.
Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus?
If I could rearrange the alphabet...
I'd leave it the way it is.
Why did no one want to sit near Shrek?
He had terrible body ogre.
Do you have Spotify? You better have premium so we could get some uninterrupted action.
What do teenage deer do at slumber parties?
Truth or deer.
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet?
Blood-thirsty hacker.
Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.
A slimey snake slithered down the sandy sahara.
What do you call it when there are two nuns in a drum circle?
a conundrum
I went skiing with broken bones.
I can't afford real skis.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.
There’s a new movie out called “The Truck.” I’ve seen the trailer, it looks great.
I’m a fraction – be my other half.
What is a sleeping brain's favorite musical group (rock band)?
REM.
What reads and lives in an apple? A bookworm.
"Promises and pie-crust are made to be broken."
— Jonathan Swift
What do you call a tooth in a glass full of water?
A one molar solution.
Why did the potato wear socks?
To keep his pota-toes warm.
How does a cookie wish his friends for Christmas? I whisk you a merry Christmas.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance? The bunny hop.
What kind of potatoes do zombies like?
Monster mash.
Hey girl, are you Morphine? 'Cause, you take my pain away.
If you were here, Abby all over you
Why shouldn’t you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
I tried to turn on a tap. It was a bit stiff though...
So I had to faucet.
How many birds can cross the road?
Toucan.
I know someone who tried to run away after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
The people upstairs all practise ballet
Their living room is a bowling alley
Their bedroom is full of conducted tours.
Their radio is louder than yours,
They celebrate week-ends all the week.
When they take a shower, your ceilings leak.
They try to get their parties to mix
By supplying their guests with Pogo sticks,
And when their fun at last abates,
They go to the bathroom on roller skates.
I might love the people upstairs more
If only they lived on another floor.
Saw my dad outside with a tv antenna on his head
When I asked him why, he said he was trying to get more in tune with nature.
What will you do if you come across a green alien? I’ll simply wait until it’s ripe.
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
What do you call a titan that can't swim?
Titanic.
Why did the skeleton want to join band?
He wanted a trom-bone!
I actually prefer that life give me lemons so that I can make a pretty lady like you some lemonade on a hot Summer's day.
There once was a man named Brice,
Who had a nasty head full lice.
He said, If I eat them,
Then I'll have beat them!
And besides they taste very nice.
What is a dinosaurs least favorite reindeer? Comet.
What do you do if you get attacked by a killer clowns?
Go for the jugular.
I wish that I could be the coronary artery of my wife so that I would be wrapped around her heart.
What is the name of the dancing chocolate bar?
Nestle Crunk bar.
Don't ever change a light bulb while the oven is on
You'll get burned out
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