"Laughing 'til I'm coffin."
This match sure has me feeling Victori-ous
Why is Cinderella bad at soccer?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
What did the worm say to his friend when he got stuck in pumpkin?
Worm your way out of that one!
Where do zombie monkeys live?
In the brain forest.
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
Have you guys heard of the musical group called Cellophane?
They mostly wrap.
What is the name of that knight who is very fond of the sea and spends most of his time at sea beaches? We call him Sir Fer.
What is a dairy product like as a partner?
They’re your butter half.
I’m kind of a big dill.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!
Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea-weed.
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
Why are goats from France musical?
Because they have French horns.
One of my friends who hates crows, looked at a flock of crows, I saw murder in his eyes.
I need an Imodium because I can’t hold in my love for you.
I hear the Minotaur is really stubborn....
He's really bull-headed.
Q: What did the tooth say to the dentist as she was leaving?
A: Fill me in when you get back
What does a horse do when it smells rotten seafood?
It scallops outta there.
You must be copper because I could really CU ending up with me.
I surprised the judges at my last diving competition by performing a cannonball.
I made a huge splash.
How many blonde jokes are there?
One. The rest are all true stories.
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
Linda-Lou Lambert Loves Lemon Lollipop Lipgloss.
What did the glass of wine say to the beer?
Nothing... They barley knew each other.
What time do ladies drink wine?
At Wine O'Clock.
The soccer player brought string to her game because she wanted to tie the score.
What do citrus fruits use to get dates?
Pickup limes.
Recently, i started learning Spanish
But i can't hola long conversation.
What do you call a very rude bird?
A mockingbird!
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.
Why did the bus driver go to jail? He was 'wheely' breaking the law!
What side does the zebra have the most stripes on?
The outside.
"Every morning is good; it’s not his fault that someone didn’t sleep well."
– Unknown
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
"What does the letter "A" have in common with a flower?
They both have bees coming after them."
- Kim Roblin
"I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." - Unknown
“When life gives you mountains, put those boots and start hiking.”
What do you call an owl dressed in armor?
A knight owl.
What do you call two fat people having a chat? A heavy discussion
What is the difference between pea soup and roast beef? Everyone would roast beef.
What’s the most supportive beer?
Root beer.
I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...
turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
Woke up this morning to a tap on my door.
That plumber has some sense of humour.
Was there a spark between Frankenstein and his bride?
Yes, he simply couldn’t resistor.
What do you call a problematic person with a gun?
A troubleshooter.
Why did the train have bubble gum? Because he wanted to go Choo Choo
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