How did the Pilgrims die?
It was the Pil-grim Reaper.
“Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat—that’s bad for you!”
— Tom Smothers
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
An elephant's opinion carries a lot of weight.
What do the laws of physics and the president of Russia have in common?
You can't choose them.
What’s the freshest herb you can find in April?
Spring-thyme!
Roses are red, violets are blue.
I have Alzheimer’s Disease, Cheese on toast.
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
What did one beached whale say to the other beached whale?
Long time no sea.
Roses are red violets are blue sugar is sweet and so were you... but now the roses are wilted the violets are dead the sugar bowls empty and so is your head.
What was the pianist doing at the mall?
Chopin.
After the rain has cleared and the sun comes out, rainbows are so quick to appear they'll red like wildfire.
What cheese do vampires eat?
Munster.
My car smelled like bacon when I got home.
My porking brake was on.
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
This autumn, the garden told the mower to leaf him alone in peace.
Have you seen the Greek book that became a movie? You odyssey it.
These puns are turtle-y hilarious.
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
I wanted to catch a squirrel but I didn't know how.
So I decided to climb a tree and act like a nut.
A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday. -- Thomas Ybarra
Did you hear the Islamic music group who covered "I've Got You Babe?"
Sunni and Shia.
Why does Avogadro like Cindy Crawford?
She's his favorite super-mole-dle (and she has a mole).
Asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...
to fulfill my fantasy that we have health insurance.
The sweetest and fruitiest historical wonder of the world is the Grape Wall of China.
Why should you bake bacon on an asteroid on its way to Earth ?
It's meteor.
When the medieval sorcerer summoned a servant from the magical book, the Queen was astounded. This was a page right out of the book.
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
You’re a woman from East Transylvania
Dating Dracula, with his weird mania.
He asks you each night
To go out for a bite —
An experience certain to drain ya.
Hide in the kitchen, hide in the hall. I will catch you.
According to a geologist, why is the world so diverse? Because it's made up of alkynes of people.
What do turtles do when one of them has a birthday?
They have a shell-ebration.
Why don’t anteaters get sick?
Because they’re full of antibodies.
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
If you’re Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in?
European.
How do you make a glow worm happy?
Cut off his tail, he’ll be de-lighted!
If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.
A chap goes to see the doctor with salt on one ear and pepper on the other. The doctor says, “You need to start eating more sensibly”.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
Why are wintertime fortune tellers so reliable?
They can see what is mitten in the stars.
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
It’s so cold Levi Strauss started making electric jeans.
I’ve got my phone, and you have your phone number… imagine the possibilities.
Did you know humans can be struck by lightning?
I was shocked when I found out.
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk?
Dirty looks from the mouse!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’ve got five fingers,
Guess which one is for you?
What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.
Why did the doctor cross the road?
Hard to say really. Could be any number of reasons.
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
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