Baby you got the perfect route for me.
How one snowman greets the other one?
Ice to meet you.
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
Q: Did you hear about the pea that changed careers?
A: He went into a different field!
Ever since I laid my eyes on you
I have been wanting to ask you something
Something that has been eating me up
I knew I had to ask it when I got the chance
Are you on twitter?
So that I can follow you
(Anonymous)
What did the piece of Cheddar say to the ghost? I'm Lac-ghost intolerant
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
“I think we’ll be friends forever because we’re too lazy to find new friends.”
— Unknown
What do you call a depressed vegetable
Despairagus.
Why did Frosty the snowman want a divorce?
Because he thought his wife was a flake.
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.
“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
What does a witch get if she crosses a black cat and a lemon?
A sour puss.
Where do you most often find onions having a drink? In the salad bar.
Why did the lake date the river?
He heard that she had a bubbly personality.
Hey, can I get your number so I can use you as an alibi?
You'd never get a rainbow in the red of night.
How many mosquito's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only 2, no idea how they got there.
Vikings weren't exactly the best at drinking contests.
They were quite MEADiocre.
What does a pirate with heart failures need?
Anti-arrrrrrrrrrhythmics.
What did snow white say when she came out of the photo booth?
Some day my prints will come.
Having a dirt yard instead of grass is a bold move...
But having a giant rock is boulder.
I'm going to start a hummus brand that comes in really difficult to open containers.
It's gonna be called 'hummus posta eat this'.
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
Irish you luck.
Mermaids can be quite mean. Salmon had to say it.
When is a black dog not a black dog?
When it’s a Greyhound.
What game do some skiers like to play on the road trip to the slopes?
Ice Spy With My Little Ice.
I bet you I could stop gambling.
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
What did the phone say to begin the race?
On your marks, handset, go!
How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off its tail and it will be de-lighted.
Santa’s whiskey was much too hearty,
It seems he was a bit of a smarty;
The last day of October,
He is clearly not sober,
He’s wound up at a Halloween party.
Q: How do you make a blueberry?
A: You strangle a pea.
The salesman at the furniture store told me "This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems!"
To which I said, “Where on earth am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”
What do you get when you have a bunch of moles acting like idiots?
A bunch of mole-asses
The artist painted himself into a corner, leading to his death.
Why do chickens rinse their mouth out with soap?
Because of all the fowl language.
Why did the bunny build herself a new house? She was fed up with the hole thing!
Is that the Helix Nebula I’m currently observing? Oh sorry! That’s your eyes.
A knight asks a squire for the time
The squire says: it seems to be 3 pm
The knights shuts his visor and says: no, its knight time
How do you know you’re in love with a flower?
Not a daisy goes by where you don’t think of them.
What happens when you cross an Australian dog and a Beatle?
Dingo Starr.
No one likes eating outside in the winter.
It’s frost come, frost served.
What is a cow’s favorite lunch meat?
Bullogna.
A car carrying bank robbers and a truck carrying cement collided yesterday. Police are now searching for hardened criminals.
What is a pink bird's favorite kind of dance? Flamenco.
Hey girl. Are you a beaver cuz damn.
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