I used to own a raven. It could speak English, but the only word it could speak was "car".
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
what a c*nt I think you are.
What are the three things most important to bats about their local real estate?
Echolocation. Echolocation. Echolocation.
You must be a 90º angle. ‘Cause, you’re looking right!
What did the worm say to his friend when he got stuck in pumpkin?
Worm your way out of that one!
Hello my name is lettuce, and I was going to the grocery store...
Ah, I’m getting ahead of myself
What do you call a bee that makes a milk?
Boo-bee
Gardening question: Does anyone know a good place where I can buy a fern? Asking for a frond.
What is the name of the car that passes through the narrow stream of the river? Fjord.
Took a tour of Pisa, Italy...
Tour guide said “Hello, my name is Eileen.”
If you were a fishing fly you'd be 'irresistible'.
I bought a really small cow last week. I really wanted to try condensed milk.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Amish!
Amish who?
You're not a shoe!
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
I saw a sign earlier that said, "Free Range Eggs."
I've never heard of Range Eggs before but at least they were free so I took some.
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
What do you see when an elephant hides behind a tree?
The trunks
I'm learning about important dates in history. Wanna be in one of them?
Did you hear that the singer Seal left a night club event because of the revellers sharing derogatory poems about him?
He was dissed by the prose at a rave.
What kind of alcohol do flowers drink?
Rosé.
The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot!
If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.
At a recent job interview, the hiring manager
asked me if I can perform under pressure.
I said: "No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody."
Why was the little bee sent to bed without supper?
Because he wouldn't beehive.
What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
You’re Isaacly my type
What’s the first thing a musician says at work?
“Would you like fries with that?”
Writers have great climaxes.
Who’s a llama’s favorite pop singer?
Llama Del Ray.
A nose visited its home town.
It was overcome with nostril-gia.
what does Stalin use to wipe his mouth?
A Soviette.
What do computers do on a beach vacation?
Surf the net.
What washes up on very small beaches? Microwaves!
What do you have left after a pig eats a watermelon?
Pork rinds.
Is chicken soup good for your health?
Not if you’re the chicken.
I saw you and I pictured us as swans, we could mate for life.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
She'll take whatever beans necessary to get her daily cup of coffee. Whatever. Beans. Necessary.
What is a bat’s favorite dessert?
Pineapple upside-down cake.
I bet you’re Ethan better in person
"Pay attention to today's horoscope: Saturn is backtracking and it looks like you're going to be screwed again."
I tried to milk my cow last night, but nothing I did seemed to work. It was an udder failure.
What do you call a dog’s back teeth?
Canine canines.
Hey girl, I’m not just going to show you the world, I’ll show you the universe.
My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
One time, while visiting a river town, my brother was hungry and I fed him freshly made stream buns.
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
"Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get."
~ Ray Kroc
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