What did one bread lover say to the other?
Before I break down and rye, I want you to know that I loaf you.
My girlfriend brought 50,000 bees and put them in our backyard.
She's a keeper.
why are the discarded papers that once held the halloween candy just like vocalists who have lost their rhythm, art, and poetry?
they are both empty rappers
Why did the cat invest in the stock market? He thought is was a good op-paw-tunity
I've started a Taco Bell themed John Coltrane cover band.x
We're called Crunchwrap Supremex
The Dead Sea used to be alive...
... but then Chuck Norris swam in it.
“Fond of doctors, little health, Fond of lawyers, little wealth.”
Proverb
A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
Why did the elf use a duck to wake him on Christmas morning?
So he could be up at the quack of dawn!
You are pitcher perfect.
I’ve been working on my poop art recently...
It’s pretty sh**.
What did the realtor say to his wife?
"Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time - thrilling and nervous."
Theres a party in my pants and your invited.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
It’s so cold we had to stop eating with metal cutlery. Some people walked around for days with spoons or forks stuck to their tongues!
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.
If I had to describe myself in 3 words?
Lazy.
How can you tell if a witch is on a diet?
All her food is potion-controlled.
What do you call a lazy spud? A couch potato.
Here's a raisin. Sorry if it is not enough but I can give you a date on Saturday.
I got so mad at my partner hitting moonballs, I had to pusher off the court.
Woke up with sweats afraid I'd contracted the corona virus...
Changed into jeans and was all good.
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
Large, pink birds are a good asset to a football team. They’re very used to playing flamingoalie.
What kind of luggage did the vulture bring on the flight?
Carrion.
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.
What do you call a communist violin?
The second Fidel.
The poor werewolf was busy chasing his own tail. We were later told that he was trying to make ends meet.
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
The zombie astrologer writes really scary predictions.
They're horror-scopes.
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." —Woody Allen
Hey babe, now that the season's over, lets go back to my place and watch the highlight film.
Why did the beaver refuse to laugh at any of the twig's jokes? He is not a big fan of dry humor.
Why can’t a tile walk very well?
He has square feet.
What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m allergic to flowers,
Achoo!
You must be a library book because I can’t stop checking you out.
An Australian army vehicle worth $74,000 has gone missing after being painted with camouflage.
Dark-colored huskies found in Colorado can also be termed as dusky huskies!
I would never precede you with "which," baby, because you are essential to this clause.
A chicken goes into a library. He stands at the librarian's desk and says, "Buk," so she gives him a book. A couple of minutes later, the chicken returns. "Buk," he says, and she hands him another book. This goes on and on.
Finally, it is the librarian's break time. She goes out back to get some fresh air by the pond. That is when she sees the chicken and a frog on a lilypad. "Buk," says the chicken as he tosses a book to the frog. "Reddit," replies the frog...
I like to roll peas from the top of a mountain. I always start at the peak.
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
Where do penguins go to the movies?
At the dive-in!
I'm papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven't a clue.
For the pattern's all wrong,
Or the paper's too long,
And I'm stuck to the toilet with glue.
What caused the airline to go bankrupt? Runway inflation.
I'd be Lyon to myself if I said I thought we weren't meant to be.
Today isn’t the day to be making jokes about the weather.
It’s snow joke.
What did the Jedi tell the sacred tree? May the forest be with you.
In the corn maze, I felt like I was being stalked. It was earie.
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