What did the Mexican heavy metal guitarist say to his bandmates?
“Rock out with your guac out.”
I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.
If your team loses the Souper Bowl, then be prepared for a lot of boouillons from your fans.
Those little darlings
With their angelic eyes
Look harmless enough
But beneath their disguise
They’re nothing but thugs
With pure evil intent
These spawn of Satan
Are not heaven sent
These foul blackguards
Going about their sport
They say “Trick or treat”
As they happily extort
They squirt fake blood
On my front door
They egg my new car
I can’t take any more
I sit counting the minutes
Am I the only one?
Who just can’t wait
Till Halloween is done.
- Paul Curtis
What did the nut tree say when his wife left him? I walnut stand for this!
What’s the best way to catch unicorns? Simple, by herding them all to one corner.
Do you know hop? Because your body is really kickin'.
Love is also like a pineapple: They both are undefinable and sweet.
What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball.
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
We stood at the bars as the sun went down
Beneath the hills on a summer day;
Her eyes were tender and big and brown,
Her breath as sweet as the new-mown hay.
Far from the west the faint sunshine
Glanced sparkling off her golden hair;
Those calm, deep eyes were turned toward mine,
And a look of contentment rested there.
I see her bathed in the sunlight flood,
I see her standing peacefully now,
Peacefully standing and chewing her cud,
As I rubbed her ears—that Jersey cow.
(Anonymous)
If Smart water were actually smart…
Then why did it get bottled?
What did the cat say when he ate the clownfish? This tastes a little funny!
What are the three things most important to bats about their local real estate?
Echolocation. Echolocation. Echolocation.
Did you hear about the secret guild of bakers? They say that they only trade recipes on a knead to know basis.
I didn’t plan on specializing, but you seem pretty special to me.
Why are koala's so sleepy? Because you just got to be tired being so darn cute all day!
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
Why did the balloon burst? Because is saw a lolly pop.
Are you a thief? Because you stole my heart.
When the gladiators fought lions
it was always the mane event
What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing? Au revoir.
What’s a ghoul’s favorite love story?
Romeo and Ghouliet!
“Imagine if fire extinguishers were full of snow. Imagine the fun we could have.”
– Neil Hilborn
Which fish is the most famous? The starfish.
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
Copernicus was wrong, you are the center of my universe.
Why was the Geologist expelled from Reform School? He was a dirty layer!
You should never give milk to someone who is open minded and hasn't yet had breakfast. They're lack-toast and tolerant.
What is a cat’s favorite deal? Buy one, get one furry.
What do you say when you see a stunned ghostbuster catch a ghoul?
He's a little confused but he's got the spirit.
Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a Spider? A Hare net!
If you are a fan of alphabet soup, then you might also know times new ramen.
What do you call a horse that lives next door to you?
A neigh-bor.
What's an Ancient Egyptian favorite restaurant?
Pizza Tut!
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
E. B. White
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Toucan.
Toucan who?
Toucan play at that game!
What kind of dog sniffs out flowers?
A bud hound.
Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York?
Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
"If you think adventure is dangerous try routine, it’s lethal."
– Paulo Coelho
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
How tall is a spider?
Eight foot.
What do you call a dinosaur that lost his glasses? uthinkhesawrus
What do you call an explosive horse?
Neigh-palm.
This headlamp isn’t the only thing getting turned on tonight.
Just hangin' with my gnomies.
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