If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
What do a crab, a lobster, and a Japanese guy run over in the middle of the road all have in common?
They're all Crushed-Asians!
What is a crows favorite vegetable?
Corn on the caawb.
Are you a banana? Because I find you a-peeling
"I haven’t worn these trousers since I bought them. I should definitely pack them for my 3-day vacation. Just in case."
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and julius ceaser walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered
You’re sledding a fine line there.
Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?
Classical conditioning.
Was there a spark between Frankenstein and his bride?
Yes, he simply couldn’t resistor.
What's the greatest problem facing Poland?
The four-ten split.
Why don't zombies eat comedians?
They taste funny.
Paddy like a rockstar.
Why do ghosts like elevators? They raise their spirits.
Her: "Buffalo meat is delicious. What are they made of? Beef?"
Me: "No... They're made of buff."
I snuggle to get through these winter days.
The ocean doesn't like to say hello, it just waves.
"Will you accept this rosé?"
Wanna know why I like to do yard work?
It really takes the hedge off!
"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
Pumpkin Spice season is finally here, better latte than never.
Owl always love you.
Why is everyone mad when the pig crosses the road?
Because he’s a road hog.
“The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste." ~M.W. Harrison
What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?
One baked with May-flour.
You know what it's called when you hurry to develop a vaccine?
... Russian.
What can I say? I enjoy going to court.
So sue me.
Corona virus has caused our local supermarket to sell out of pasta.
All because of a fusilli people.
I'd definitely let you join in my reindeer games.
“How was your day? ” “It was tater-ible”
Have you ever played quiet tennis?
It's just like regular tennis but without the racket.
A few years ago, I had a job translating pre-Classical Greek literature into Braille.
It feels like ancient history.
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
What’s the scariest koala movie ever made? The Bear Witch Project.
Hey girl, I've got an extensive collection of solution manuals. Can I get your number?
What to spiders eat in Paris?
French flies.
I made a fiddle from a squash yesterday...
... i think it's broken, it only plays gourd vibrations.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
Hey, let me take you out on a first date in the snow - I promise I'm not a flaky person.
What do you call a fake bone?
A faux-knee.
Hey baby, the sun is not the only thing that rises.
I feel pretty shore this is going to be the best summer yet.
Emphysema puffs pink, chronic bronchitis makes you blue, but no COPD makes me as breathless as you!
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!
What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer
It’s time to think outside the pizza box.
"A Scorpio will carry his grudge into the afterlife if necessary to get his revenge."
— Everett A. Blackman
What do you call a reindeer ghost? A cari-boo!
What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
Fission Chips.
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