You're the second greatest thing to happen to me. Jesus being the first.
What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon?
They go on peck-nics.
Your pheromones are driving me wild.
The doctor advised I tried a milk bath. I asked if it needs to be pasteurized. No, just above the knees she replied.
What happened to the cat that went to the flea circus? She stole the whole show.
All theatres love to see scarecrows out in the audience as reviewers! They're simply outstanding in their field.
I have a lot of respect for fans of football teams that consist of only ghosts
They have a lot of spirit.
How do you know if a spine finds you funny?
It starts cracking up.
Wow, of course your name is Alice. Your body is a wonderland
Diving into shallow water could lead to jumping to wrong conclusions.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I’d go into thousands of dollars of crippling debt just to examine you!
How many consultants do you need to change a light bulb?
You’ll get an estimate a week from Monday.
There was on Old Man of the Isles,
Whose face was pervaded with smiles;
He sung high dum diddle,
And played on the fiddle,
That amiable Man of the Isles.
Made the mistake of offering my realtor some lipton iced tea
I forgot that he only drinks realty.
Why are goats from France musical?
Because they have French horns.
I know I’m not supposed to judge a book by its cover, but one glance at you and I’m already interested.
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
When the peach lost her mother, it left a deep pit in her heart.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Police.
Police who?
Police hurry up, it’s chilly outside!
What did the retired pirate say when he went to the beach?
Long time no sea.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
Are you a New Years resolution? Because we stopped working out after the first two weeks
"It's not you...it's your taste in music"
Hey is your name Cameron? Cuz I’d love a Camera-n to capture that gorgeous face of yours.
what do you call the smaller rivers that run into the nile?
The juveniles
Why did the burglar break into the bakery?
Because he heard the cakes were rich.
My golf number may not be that good but my phone number sure is!
How do people stop being crooks? They straighen themselves out!
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
I auditioned to be a carpenter’s hand.
Nailed it.
What do you call a nut stuck to a wall?
A walnut.
Blue jeans are immortal. They never die, they just fade away!
What do koalas do when they’re facing a tough situation? They grin and bear it.
I painted a picture of my cat’s feet today.
You could say it was a paw-trait.
Why do poltergeists love haunting old theaters?
Because they can't wait to boo the performers.
What does a penguin where to the beach?
An ice cap.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I want to order pizza,
And watch Netflix with you.
"If you want to know the correct way to perform an exercise, the answer is: Whatever hurts most."
- Jason Love.
Through three cheese trees, three free fleas flew. While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew. Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze. Freezy trees made these trees’ cheese freeze. That’s what made these three free fleas sneeze.
What did Michael Jackson say to his chess opponent?
“It don’t matter if you’re black or white.”
I’ve never experienced having my dream come true, until the day I met you.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot.
It caused immense pain to ma toes.
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
Someone took my three-legged chair.
I guess it was stoolen
What is a koala bear’s favorite mixed drink? A pina koala.
Your smile lit up the room so I had to come over.
What did one raindrop say to the other raindrop?
“My plop is bigger than your plop.”
Putting on contacts without a mirror is hard
You just gotta eyeball it.
What shape is a kiss?
A-lip-tickle.
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