Have you heard about the chef on space station? He’s not that much of an astronaut, but his food is literally out of this world!
What do cows in Greece sound like?
They say µ.
A woman takes her son to the doctor's and tells the doctor that he thinks he's a chicken.
The doctor asks, "How long has he been like this?"
The woman replies, "Three years."
The doctor exclaims, "Three years! Why didn't you bring him in sooner?"
The woman says, "We needed the eggs."
Fred fed Ted bread and Ted fed Fred bread.
The earth laughs in flowers, so it must have been extremely happy the day you were born.
Can I bother you for an aspirin tablet? Just looking at you from across the room is giving me heart-related pains.
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
Can I be Candide with you?
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
What kind of bird always gets stuck in the nest? A velcrow.
I’m sick of martial arts.
I have kung flu.
The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad, it was tearable.
When you swat a mosquito on your arm
Its death is in vein.
How do you write a book about Bats? With a ghostwriter.
Where do light bulbs go shopping? The outlet stores.”
Can’t take my eyes off of her brewtiful face.
Why did the man wear a rabbit as a hat? He didn’t want anyone to harm a Hare on his head!
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission
Wholey-grain! You really bread my mind!
What has four legs, four eyes, and a net? Four pirates looking for a lost parrot!
“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
Groucho Marx
My mother's sister was a gamble who enjoyed poker. She would heartily add to the initial pot but fold after the first hand...
We called her Auntie Up.
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm.
He goes up to the bartender and says "A drink please and another for the road."
Scientists permit us to see the sun in different light.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free-range.
This year, I've really enjoyed watching 'Planet Earth'.
It's a shame that it only has four seasons.
Are you a burger? Because you can be the meat between my buns.
I was thinking about using a mushroom to poison someone. My morel stopped me.
The fact that there is a highway to hell, and only a staircase to heaven
Says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny!
Please wine me and dine me,
Please show me a good time,
After all, I’m a lady,
And I even can rhyme!
Sometimes, all you need is to shake a few trees to find the perfect peach for you.
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
“Sign for a beginner’s yoga class: Enquire Within.” – Unknown
Q: Where does a boat go when it's sick?
A: To the dock!
Love is like a fart - if you have to force it it's probably crap.
Which country do sheep go on vacation? The Baaa-hamas.
Are you a Pepsi? Because you're so-da-licious!
What do you call the Frankenstein of the Gardening world?
An A-botan-ation.
Knock, knock,
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you!
What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus? Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving.
What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? Data transfer.
I value my breath so it would be nice if you didn't take it away every time you walked past.
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
If you can think of a better fish pun, let minnow.
The guy who got arrested for eating batteries…. He is to be charged in the morning.
What happened when Frankenstein’s monster first met his girlfriend?
It was love at first fright.
I took my pet tiger to my doctor
Because it had a very bad day.
Now, my tiger’s depression is still there,
But my doctor has gone away.
(Barry Stebbings)
“Never face facts; if you do you’ll never get up in the morning.”
— Marlo Thomas
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