Why didn’t the two algae ever have se*?
Because they had a planktonic relationship
What do you can an owl who's been caught in the act?
A spotted owl.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
Have you watched werewolves taking lunch, you will be amused, they literally wolf it down!
I was having a pretty boring night but now it’s looking a lot more Evelyn-tful
Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus.
Too bad he doesn’t cry.
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
Why didn’t the golfer get his homework done?
He wouldn’t stop puttering around.
What did daddy ghoul say to his youngest son?
Stop ghouling around!
If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!
I asked my son to go get me a phone book. He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone.
The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!
How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
How do pigs write top secret messages?
With invisible oink!
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
What kind of alcohol do flowers drink?
Rosé.
If you can't beat them...
Just have your eggs fried.
I feel like we’re developing some good chemis-tree.
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn't have the guts.
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
The difference between a GEEK and a NERD.
Geek: "May the force be with you!"
Nerd: "May the force be equal to the mass multiplied by acceleration."
"
I'm on a hunt - for your number.
Little Johnny's teacher said,
"Johnny, your essay on My Dog is exactly the same as your sister's."
"Did you copy hers?" she asked.
Johnny replied, "No, teacher, it's the same dog!"
I broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place.
Since then I've never looked back.
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his food before it was cool.
What did the little goats say when they were caught playing a prank on the sheep?
Sorry, we were just kidding.
Dear Dog
You cower and hide
As I fill up the tub
Yet when I go outside
And turn on the hose
You follow me gladly
For a spray up the nose
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
"I'm not a wino. I'm a wineYES!"
"You make me egg-static."
Everyone is jealous of us
We make an awesome couple
Life with you seems perfect
Forever, I want to be in this bubble
Today I want to preach
Just one simply philosophy
That a handsome guy like you
Deserves a pretty girl like me
Happy birthday!
Why did the girl put lipstick on her forehead?
She needed to makeup her mind!
I can’t believe such a perfect match could Alexis-t
We got a huge jack-o-lantern this fall. It gave the neighbors pumpkin to talk about.
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
— Jim Henson
When I was in school I got a B in biology, a C in chemistry.
And an F in Physics.
For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
"My Cat Is Fat"
I’ve a cat named Vesters,
And he eats all day.
He always lays around,
And never wants to play.
Not even with a squeaky toy,
Nor anything that moves.
When I have him exercise,
He always disapproves.
So we’ve put him on a diet,
But now he yells all day.
And even though he’s thinner,
He still won’t come and play.
– James McDonald
What do you call an imaginary color?
A pigment of your imagination.
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
What do you call it when a monster gets mad?
Ogre-reacting!
Hey, was your daddy a barista because you are ALMOST what I ordered.
What do they call a wild elf in Texas?
Gnome on the range!
Why did the medieval Indian go to the doctor?
He was feeling a bit Sikh
All I want is to fill that vacuum in your heart.
Are you still wondering why the basketball player could listen to his music? Don’t you know he broke a record!
Why do skeletons drink so much milk?
It’s good for the bones!
You are aged to perfection.
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Glow!
Glow who?
Glow worm!
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