The sweetest and punny name to call a pig is Mudpie.
What blood type does a pessimist have?
B Negative
Swallowing a cherry stone is not the end of the world. It’s just one of life’s little pitfalls.
For you, I would slay two Goliaths.
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
I followed my heart to you.
My wife started a tropical diet
There’s so much stuff in the house it’s enough to make a mango crazy.
Bad saxophone players should be put on some kind of public list.
I want to know if I'm living next to a registered sax offender.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
If you were a fishing fly you'd be 'irresistible'.
Did you hear about the lawyer who tried to sue a shark for biting all his limbs off?
He didn’t have a leg to stand on.
I went to an Easter party as a Jesus cosplayer
I told them I was a crossplayer.
The only crime I will ever commit is stealing your heart.
Which fish can perform operations?
A Sturgeon.
Q: What's a tornado's favorite game?
A: Twister
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
I can’t help but laugh a little when I see a pun about chocolate bars… snickers
Guess who just woke up to 19 missed calls and 30 messages from his ex?
My ex.
What rhymes with orange?
No, it doesn’t.
What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes? She sticks it in the microwave!
Did you hear about the gnome rogue?
Of course not, that g is silent!
Betty Botter bought some butter but, said she, the butter’s bitter.
If I put it in my batter, it will make my batter bitter.
But a bit of better butter will make my bitter batter better.
So she bought some better butter, better than the bitter butter,
put it in her bitter batter, made her bitter batter better.
So ‘t was better Betty Botter bought some better butter.
I would not be able to picture myself without having a camera phone.
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
I was hiking with my friend in the woods and bear attacked him
It was unbearable to watch
If an astronaut steps on chewing gum then what will happen to him? He will simply be stuck on the Orbit.
What did the little mountain say to the big mountain? Hi Cliff! Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That's just how I roll.
I'd advise against letting a vampire drive you home after a Halloween party. They never check their mirrors, it will drive you batty.
How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?
With a Nor-Ouija board.
Genie: "What’s your first wish?"
Steve: "I wish I was rich."
Genie: "What’s your second wish, Rich?"
“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright
What happens when Bigfoot gets lost in the fog?
He is mist!
How do fish get high?
Seaweed.
Why did the Beatles stop inviting Ringo to Thanksgiving?
Because he wouldn't share the drumsticks.
What mouse was a Roman emperor? Julius Cheeser!
A fairy appears in front of an old man.
"For the good things you've done in your life, I grant you three wishes!"
The old man squints and asks: "Can you speak up a bit? My hearing isn't the best anymore..."
The fairy replies: "SURE! YOU HAVE TWO WISHES!"
What do you call a happy aviator?
A gladiator
I love having dinner in a local restaurant. It has a soup-erb speciality that mixes soup and herbs.
Why did Billy make a bunch of snowmen to be his friends?
Because he wanted to hang with the cool kids!
“When late morning rolls around and you’re feeling a bit out of sorts, don’t worry; you’re probably just a little eleven o’clockish.”
– Unknown
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
How can you tell which end of a worm is which?
Tell it a funny Halloween joke and see which end laughs!
What do you get when a raven flies into a group of 18 crows?
Corvid-19.
Do you know what would happen when you throw a Finnish sailor into the ocean?
Helsinki.
Which local sportswriters are most effusive? Those who work in the praise
box!
"So… Do you like cheese?"
- Duke, She’s The Man (2006)
What do you give a sick pig?
Oinkment.
There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
What do you call two pears?
A pair.
What do you call an anthropomorphic animal blended in ice cream?
A McFurry
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