Why did the burglar break into the bakery? A; Because he heard the cakes were rich.
What did Dead Viking say to Voluptuous Valkyrie?
Valhallo there.
Did my Spotify playlist glitch? Because you are the only song I hear.
What is a polar bear’s favorite snack?
Brrrrrittos.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
You’re like my coffee, you keep me up all night.
What do zombies call a battle between classical music composers where one of them loses their mind?
A de-Bach-le.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
What part of the body do you only see during Christmas? mistletoe.
I had a traumatic experience with peas. I even had to go to thera-pea.
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
- Steve Martin
“Have your elf a merry little Christmas.”
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles M. Schulz
Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”
When fishing, is there ever a good reason to take the worm off the hook?
I guess that’s debaitable.
As he gobbled the cakes on his plate, the greedy ape said as he ate: The greener green grapes are, the keener keen apes are to gobble green grape cakes. They’re great!
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Are you Medusa? When you looked at me the world seem to stop.
What do you call a weary Viking conqueror?
Bluetooth low energy
Shell yeah.
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
“Aquarians are sort of unorthodox, original people — sort of wack, witty mad-caps who refuse to follow the crowd and go their own way.”
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
What's a vampire's most favorite fruit? It must be a neck-tarine peach.
Another term for hair that's tied up in a bun is
a hairball
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
If you were a fishing fly you'd be 'irresistible'.
It’s a beautiful Degas!
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with an elephant?
An animal that remembers where it hid its nuts.
My cardiologist friend keeps sending me x-rays of his chest.
A bit weird, I know, but it just shows his heart is in the right place.
Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
Why can't inmates read a clock? Because it's hard time.
After I won the game I decide to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV.
Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
I saw a cow on fire ther dayand so I put it out.
Guess you could call it a rare experience.
After a long day at work, I feel like half a mythical creature...
Because I'm Dragon Ass.
"I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me."
— Unknown
"Crabby"
I am a crab
Who walks the shore
And pinches toes all day.
If I were you
I’d wear some shoes
And not get in my way.
– Barbara Vance
I goat this.
"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown
What do you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman? A dead ringer.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
What is a vampire’s favorite sport?
Casketball.
Are avocados good for your heart?
Yes, they make for great avo-cardio.
She saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure she saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa?
-
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
How does Bigfoot stay in shape?
It does Sas-squats.
I didn’t want to play it safe with a skeleton costume, I want people to know I have guts.
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