What do sophisticated fish drink? Salt-Tea.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom? Because the 'p' is silent
Which baseball player makes the best pancakes?
The batter.
Did you hear that? They're playing our future song on the speakers!
I’m never board when I’m at the pool.
The owner of the inside inn was inside his inside inn with his inside outside his inside inn.
On Big Ben. “It’s just a big clock? I don’t understand all the hype with this clock. It is literally just a clock. It’s going to be a digital one in thirty years anyway. ”
— Montgomery Smith
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite season?
Spring.
Do you know how to get a raise at the bread factory? Try buttering up to the boss.
Help! I need your number in my long-term memory.
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
Beavers are the best at getting things done on riverbanks. They have their own waves of working.
What do you call a turtle who takes up photography?
A snapping turtle.
“Plant carrots in January and you’ll never have to eat carrots.”
— Anonymous
Where do deer get all of their coffee?
Star-bucks!
What do you call a happy penguin?
A penGRIN.
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
I violated grammar rules, so I got punished with the death sentence.
Death.
Why do baby seals swim in salt water? Cause pepper water makes them sneeze.
Have you heard about these new corduroy pillow cases?
They're really making headlines.
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
It wasn't til I studied Spanish as an adult that learned Spain discovered Canada.
As our teacher explained it, the first maps said "Acá, nada."
Ya gotta check it out. My water bed is full of beer.
What do you call a dinosaur that drinks curry? A Mega-sore-arse.
Are you a parking ticket? Cause you got FINE written all over you.
A local farmer has trained his pigs to perform ballet.
I’m going to see their production of swine lake.
My friend went bald years ago, but still carries his old comb with him.
He just can’t part with it.
King Arthur's Round Table was built by Sir Cumference.
The people upstairs all practise ballet
Their living room is a bowling alley
Their bedroom is full of conducted tours.
Their radio is louder than yours,
They celebrate week-ends all the week.
When they take a shower, your ceilings leak.
They try to get their parties to mix
By supplying their guests with Pogo sticks,
And when their fun at last abates,
They go to the bathroom on roller skates.
I might love the people upstairs more
If only they lived on another floor.
An army of werewolves is known as a Fur-eign Legion.
“If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.”
— Unknown
What happens if you swallow a whole corn cob?
You get corn-stipated!
Why would a horse make a good president?
They know how to lead.
How do you stop an Internet troll?
Seize their memes of production.
Where do werewolves store their things?
In a were-house.
Have you ever had a dream about a bear eating you?
I call them bite-mares.
How is a pig’s tail like 4 o’clock in the morning? It’s twirly.
Why has the prosthesis dealer become a private detective?
He has a nose for these things.
Mr. Tongue Twister tried to train his tongue to twist and turn, and twit an twat, to learn the letter "T".
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”
The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.
What do you call a crazy chicken?
A cuckoo cluck.
hy don’t calculus major throw house parties?
Because they know firsthand that it’s a bad idea to drive and derive.
How did the apple tree get the job? It had the right qua-leaf-ications!
What are the best sandwiches to serve at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Paddy melts!
Why did the skeleton start a fight?
Because he had a bone to pick.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a water hose?
Hare spray.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
Do you know what I did last night? I put Easter eggs in a heart shape for you to find!
Did anybody ever consider that cannibalism would resolve both overpopulation – and world hunger?
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