My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type… But he was a good man. His last words to us were, “Be positive!”
Why did the banana go to the Doctor? Because it was not peeling well
Where do football players go shopping in the offseason? The tackle shop.
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."
What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus? Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving.
Cute dog in your pics! Can I have his number?
If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke I know, I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper.
What do gnome standup comedians call a tiny pun?
Puny.
"Warning... I'm exercising, eating right and watching my alcohol intake... which means I'm sober, I'm cranky and I'm sore, so proceed with caution!"
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
What do you do with a sick chemist? You try to helium, and then you try to curium, but if all else fails, you gotta barium.
Did you hear the little loaves playing hide-and-seek earlier? They kept yelling, “Bready or not, here I come!”
What happens when you blend an artificial waterway with a tree? You get a root canal.
What milk comes from Spain?
Soy Milk.
I'm willing to lower my standards if you're going on a date with me.
Can February march?
No, but April may.
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
What’s the best time for Frankenstein to go to a party?
Fright now.
Why was the crow so angry after his stand up comedy gig? The venue paid him in coffee instead of caw fee.
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
— Charles M. Shulz
Double bubble gum, bubbles double
My neighbors are listening to great music.
Whether they like it or not.
“An instructor once gave the following cue in yoga class: “Relax your pancreas.” I don’t even know where my pancreas is, never mind how to relax it! I giggled for the rest of the class.” – Mel Farrimond
What did one water bottle ask the other water bottle?
Water you doing today?
You’re as beautiful as a flower, but I think I rose to the challenge.
What you call the Ghost of a Chicken? Poultry-geist.
I met this really beautiful crustacean, but I lobst her number.
I used to make lots of money clearing leaves from gardens. I was raking it in.
How can you tell where the Easter Bunny has been? Eggs mark the spot.
What did Van Gogh name the ear he didn't cut off?
Van Stay.
You knead me in your loaf. This one kind of works, but loaf is just a little too different from life.
What do you say when your dad wears a speedo to the pool?
Spee-don’t!
Dealers Will Hear Car Talk At Noon
A lorry load of pears has crashed on the motorway. It’s caused a huge jam.
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
What did Medieval postmen wear?
Chain mail.
If your doctor tells you to go on a low sodium diet, do you take his advise with a grain of salt?
My neighbor asked me if he could borrow my lawnmower. It told him he could; if he did not take it out of my yard.
Your hold on my heart is perennial, I’ll keep coming back always.
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
What do you call a deodorant that's never happy?
A deodor-rant.
I went to a mosquito themed restaurant.
It wasn't very good, though. After a few bites I got up and left.
Why did the corn cross the road?
Because it was being stalked.
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”
- Albert Einstein
Why do realtors not buy houses near stables?
Because they will always be worried about their next-door neigh-bors!
What do you get if you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A rash of good luck.
What did the cow who barged the other cow say?
Moo-ve!
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