Man: What do math and my dick have in common? They're both hard for you
Woman: You must be a math problem because you're annoying and difficult. I don't wanna solve your problems for you.
What do sailors buy to customise the back of their ships?
Aft-ermarket parts!
Nothing lasts forever. Can you be my nothing?
How do you catch an electric eel?
You can catch an electric eel with a lightning rod!
Where do rabbits learn how to fly? In the hare force!
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
Beavers enjoy being in the company of a river because they go with the flow.
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
What did the cherry say when it won its third Olympic gold medal? That's just the cherry on top of a successful career.
This might sound corny, but I think you’re a-maize-ing.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
I was recently fired from my job operating rides at the carnival
My lawyer has advised suing for funfair dismissal.
What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?
The family dog’s nose.
I would give anything to be your personal item.
What kind of eggs does a confused chicken lay?
Scrambled eggs.
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock
You know why theater people say "break a leg" instead of good luck?
Because if you do, you'll end up in a cast!
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus?
Do you think you know more parrot jokes than me? Toucan play that game!
Gnomes don’t understand jokes, they go right over their heads.
What do you call a Belgian who's bad at grammar?
An twerp.
Why do comedians often start their act with peanut butter jokes? They love to warm up the crown by spreading the laughter.
How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
What is the difference between a deer nut and a beer nut?
“A beer nut is often more than a buck but a deer nut is always under a buck.”
My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
I like you a latke!
"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."
Anonymous
What do you call 2 Mexicans playing tennis?
Juan on Juan!
The snow leopard appeared just at the time our guide predicted it. It appeared white on time!
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
What happens if someone chucks a rock at you? You hit the rock’s bottom.
Baby, if you were a fruit you'd be a Fineapple.
What's the difference between a Roman and an Irish Catholic?
The strength of the communion wine.
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
I met this really beautiful crustacean, but I lobst her number.
What do you call Spider-Man at his full potential
Petest Parkest.
What is a skeleton’s favorite thing to do with their cell phone?
Take skelfies.
Why Don't Gymnasts Use Towels?
Cause they dumbbell dry.
I met a chicken once; she was desperate to join a band. She even had her own drumsticks.
I’m establishing my punning game early today.
What is the collective noun for cars?
Pack of cars.
happens when you bother the parietal lobe?
It gets very touchy.
"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
— Erma Bombeck
What did the osteopathic medicine doctor bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
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