"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport? Plane Chocolate!
Harambe wasn’t only one of the best gorillas I’ve ever met...
He was also a great ape.
What is the only time you start at the red and stop at the green?
“When you eat a watermelon!”
I've recently got a job making chess pieces.
I'm mostly working knights.
A camel can work all week without drinking..
A man can drink all week without working.
Our school trip was a special occasion.
But we never reacher our destination.
Instead of the zoo.
I was locked in the loo.
of the toilet at the service station!
“If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one." ~George Gobel
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
Today I donated my old basketball hoop to a school for the blind.
It will be missed.
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
What do two tomatoes do after not seeing each other for a long period of time?
They ketchup.
Have you heard about the new band located in the north east of england?
They're called Durham Durham.
I was really surprised when I learned that singer Pink's favorite color was actually green. No one could have i-magenta-it.
I went to the doctor with hearing problems. He said, "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said, “Homer’s the big dude and Marge has blue hair...”
What do you call a flamingo that flew into a wall?
A flamingstop.
What did the orange say before he started his new job?
“The zest is yet to come!”
It's so hot out that I cleaned my fridge just so I could hang out in my fridge for a while.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
Why did the FBI surround the president with cows? They were beefing up security!”
"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain
What do you call a rental car in Spain?
A Barceloaner.
What do you call a field full of epileptic lettuce ?
Seizure Salad
You wanna know the way to my heart?
A scalpel and a bone saw.
"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings
Did you hear about that show that tests the listening skills of vegetables?
Its tests the ears of its corn-testants.
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
A lady was looking for a turkey but couldn't find one big enough.
She asked the stock boy "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied "No they're dead."
Are you an audiobook? Because I want to listen to you forever.
What is a parrot's favourite colour shade?
Polly-chromatic
Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.
“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon
I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
My wife ordered one of those new heavy blankets but delivery took forever...
She says it was worth the weight.
Knife and a fork bottle and a cork
that is the way you spell New York.
Chicken in the car and the car can go,
that is the way you spell Chicago.
What did the kitten do when she wanted to order something? She looked in the cat-alog!
Before I ducked out to the shops, my wife asked me to put ketchup on the shipping list.
Now I can't read it.
How can you tell if there is a dinosaur in bed with you? By the `D' on his pajamas.
Whenever fall arrives, leaves start changing their color autumn-matically.
My handsome and wonderful man, I love you,
I feel like my life is so fresh and so new.
Thank you for all that you do for me,
It’s because of you that I feel so very free.
You truly are the best man in town,
Now do me a favor and put the seat down!
(Unknown)
You have a pizza my heart.
What do you call spooky mascara
Mascarea.
What do you call corn that joins the army?
Kernel.
Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.
Which Oiler great had a soft spot for Indian food? Jari Curry.
What do bread kids say during hide-and-seek?
Bready or not, here I crumb!
Looking at the sediment grain size scale, it looks like you’re finer than silt.
If I were a transplant surgeon, I’d give you my heart.
It's ice to meet you.
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