“Demanding something from a Scorpio is a sure way to not have it happen.”
HELP! It's a taco emergency!
Dial 9 Juan Juan!
Woah! You look like I need a drink.
Robviously, I couldn’t help but ask you out
What do you call a bear that jumps but never lands?
Peter Panda.
Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other "how do you drive this thing?"
Why did the orange lose the race?
“Because it got Im-peached.”
Do you like short love affairs? I hate them - I've got all weekend.
A tutor who taught on the flute,
tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to toot or,
to tutor two tooters to toot?"
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
What do you call a Monkey with a bomb
A baboom.
Bee warned.
Bee puns really sting.
How do ghouls like their meals?
Absolutely terrified!
Say it ain’t snow.
The was a Young Lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs,
To her uncle's white pigs,
That amusing Young Lady of Bute.
Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake." Doctor: Next time, take off the candles.
“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
Socrates
If I were a furry bear.
And had a furry tummy.
I'd climb into a honey jar
And make my tummy yummy!
My computer crashed and I lost all the notes I'd saved for the book I'm working on called "1,001 cures for itches."
I guess I'll have to start again from scratch.
If you put a strawberry in the freezer, you can make a strawberry shake!
What are you doing for the rest of your afterlife?
Why did the rude unicorn not say hello to the other? Because while the pace (face) was familiar, he
just couldn’t remember the mane (name).
Why did Mrs. Wine Grape run away from home?
She was tired of raisin a family.
For years I told my daughter she was half-human and half-mermaid... but that her bottom half was human, and her top half was mermaid.
What’s a glow worms favourite song?
Wake me up before you glow glow!
My biology class was going on and on, and I was stuck in the middle of it. Well, you know, this is how it feels to be an on-i-on.
What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMn!
There is no theory of evolution.
Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
I always find artists romantic because when they love you, they do it with all their art.
I once had my identity stolen by a cement truck driver. It took me ages to track him down, but now I have concrete evidence.
They had us working like dogs at work after a storm
All I did was pick up sticks and bark.
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
Seven days without playing soccer can make one weak.
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since.
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a cow?
A kanga-moo.
"Ignorance is a form of environmental pollution."
Anonymous
What kind of socks do you need to plant cayenne pepper? Garden hose!
How did kids in Ancient Rome get their hair cut?
With little Caesar's.
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
I used to hate the electric blanket.
But the last few nights I’ve been warming up to it.
My dad always used to tell me, "Never put all your eggs in one basket."
Which is probably why we lost the Easter egg hunt.
Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.
Why did it take the teen pig so long to get ready for school in the morning?
She was very piggy when it comes to choosing what to wear!
Why do turtles never forget?
Because they have turtle recall.
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
Q: What would a peach love to pet?
A: A Pit Bull.
Q. Where are deceased deer laid to rest?
A. In a moose-oleum.
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When it becomes fully groan.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
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