“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
I've recently got a job making chess pieces.
I'm mostly working knights.
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
Do you happen to know sign language? Because this is the last time you’ll hear from me.
Do you have a library card?
So you can check me out?
No, because my cat just died and I need to find a book about cat funerals.
What’s the coolest part of a skeleton?
The hip.
Q: Why are tigers religious?
A: Because they prey frequently, and prey as a family!
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
What goes hiss, swish, hiss swish every time it rains? A windscreen viper.
Pugs and kisses.
What’s something a kangaroo has that no other animal has?
Baby kangaroos.
I tried to make a wooden submarine.
It didn't go down so well.
Nice to meet you, Jasmine… so shall we remove the Jas and just make you Mine?
Why did the pillow cross the road?
It was picking up the chicken’s feathers.
I love analyzing texts, but you haven't sent me any.
I'm reading a horror story in Braille and something bad is about to happen...
I can feel it.
What did the flirty napking say to the dinner guests?
"Let me sit on your lap"
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
What did the river say when it saw beavers for the first time? “Well, I’ll be dammed.”
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
What do you get when you plant kisses? Tu-lips (two-lips)
Why do people like storm watching so much?
The lightning is quite striking!
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up
There was an Old Lady whose folly,
Induced her to sit on a holly;
Whereon by a thorn,
Her dress being torn,
She quickly became melancholy.
Why are big boats called "Yachts"?
Because they cost "Yachts of money".
I had a nasty crash with a truck carrying construction equipment the other day. It really hit me like a ton of bricks.
In Australia, they have a scary lemon dessert that keeps coming back.
They call it Boo-Meringue.
It’s snow joke.
Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? No haunting license.
A blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
What makes music on your head?
A headband.
What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?
A mist steak.
“Yes, I deserve a spring – I owe nobody nothing."
– Virginia Woolf
"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi
I needed to add some grass seeds to my lawn. The only thing I could find to keep the seeds out of my flower bed was some ceramic bunnies my wife had, so I used those as a barrier.
Please don't make fun of my re-seeding hare line.
Why did the blonde stare at the carton of orange juice? It said concentrate.
My dad refused to accept that he was not hiking in a mountain called Mt. McKinley
He was in Denali.
What do koalas do when they’re facing a tough situation? They grin and bear it.
I love a good shindig. Just call me Napoleon Bonapart-y.
A strawberry will never help another strawberry because they tend to always get into jams.
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”
I have an addiction to cheddar cheese.
But it's only mild.
Q: What do you call a really violent fruit?
A: A peach breaker
"Now he's just some bunny that I used to know."
The coffee shop owner was afraid. He wanted to know if the shop had ground to operate in the black.
My Buddhist friend just gave me a “Nirvana” scented perfume.
It smells like Teen Spirit.
What did the hummus say to the pita bread when he got sick?
I falafel.
What do snakes do after they have a fight?
Hiss and make up.
There is a Giant Screwdriver attacking the city. Please seek shelter immediately. This is not a drill.
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