Is the city bus running on time? No, it’s running on diesel.
What birds like to write?
Penguins!
What kind of House does Chuck Norris live in?
A Round House.
If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what does an onion do? Keeps everyone away.
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
When I was young there were only 25 letters in the Alphabet. Nobody new why.
I have an idea for a chain of Elvis steak houses.
It will be for people who love meat tender.
“Apologizing in advance for the things I say this winter.”
Did you hear about the Italian chef with the terminal illness?
He pastaway. Now he’s just a pizza history.
How do you get down off a horse?
You don’t, you get down off a duck.
Every time i see you, my cardiovascular system gets all worked up.
My lead off's not great, and though I may be off base, I'd like to take you on a date.
Chuck Norris caught COVID.
But then he felt bad, so he let it go.
What's the difference between England and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
I was getting a record player down from a shelf and it dropped on my head!
But it didn't effect me
It didn't affect me
It didn't affect me
It didn't affect me...
Why are the railroad tracks angry? Because people are always crossing them.
I was sitting in the toilet at Taco Bell and it reminded me of my divorce.
It was extremely messy and involved a lot of paperwork.
My grandad was responsible for 28 downed german planes in WW2.
Still to this day, he holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
What does a skeleton order at a restaurant?
Spare ribs.
Did you hear about the scary couple in prom this year? It was a mummy and his ghoul-friend.
Wouldn't we look cute on a wedding cake together?
Don’t worry, beer happy.
I want you for myself like Newfoundland has its own time zone.
I dropped my computer on my foot.
It mega-hurts.
I love making new friends.
That’s why I studied under Dr. Frankenstein.
Jack is a lovable man with a colorful personality. He is a great hue-man.
Vikings weren't exactly the best at drinking contests.
They were quite MEADiocre.
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
Sorry, I can't play hide and seek. Someone like you is simply impossible to find.
I followed my heart to you.
If kisses were raindrops, I'd send you a hurricane.
Why did the tectonic plates break up? It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
“To make a million, start with $900,000.” - Morton Shulman.
What do you call a group of guys waiting to get their hair cut?
A Barbecue.
My wireless keyboard isn't working
I guess I need to re-pair it.
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
What do you call a lie told by a skeleton?
A fibula.
Side effects may include infatuation, racing heart, and lowered inhibitions.
If you are wondering about the fuzziest character in the gaming world, well it is definitely Princess Peach.
Chuck Norris won a 10 minute race after giving his competitors a 10 minute head start.
When does Oliver Stone eat ice cream? Any Given Sundae.
What's a frog's favorite game?
Hop-scotch (or leapfrog).
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
“Nascar would be so much more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.”
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
Sorry to bother you, I think I dropped my heart here. Can you pick it up?
When I proposed to my fiancee, she started crying. It must be because I proposed to her with an onion ring.
Are you a banana because I find you a peeling.
I meditate about you. Will you do the same too?
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Pig…
Pig who?
Pig on someone your own size!
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