I listenend to the football game on the radio. It was being broadcast on a catholic satellite radio station.
So I tirned to my dad and said, "That's weird. Football isn't even that religious of a sport!"
My dad replied, "Nope. Lacrosse is!"
I saw a real rob-bbery today. It happened right before my berry eyes.
I love lamps.
They're so enlightening.
What’s a vampire’s favorite Shakespeare play?
A Midsummer Bite’s Dream.
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
Groucho Marx
The two loaves of bread could not wait to stare through the delivery room window. They wanted to see their new bun-dle of joy.
Let me call you my sunshine because you make me so hot.
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?
A saber tooth tiger would never blow anything up.
But a dino might.
When is a pumpkin not a pumpkin? When you drop it; then it's squash!
You are the reason Santa even has a naughty list.
I just went to a fireworks shop and asked for their biggest bomb. They gave me a picture of you
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I’m sure it had its reasons.
Why couldn’t the orange dance in the talent show without his partner?
Because it takes two to “tang-o.”
What's it called when a buffalo turns two hundred years old?
A Bisontennial!
Why was the horse a great editor?
She was very thorough bred.
What do you call an evil lemon?
Sour On
I’ll try to keep it brief, but I have so much to Marseilles about France.
There was on Old Man of the Isles,
Whose face was pervaded with smiles;
He sung high dum diddle,
And played on the fiddle,
That amiable Man of the Isles.
Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?
He couldn't spit hot fire yet.
How do rabbits travel?
On hareplanes!
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
"Yeah, working is great… but have you tried traveling?"
I’m like a boomerang. I just keep coming back to you.
Q: Why is it so windy in England?
A: Because Harry Kane (hurricane) lives there..
"A hospital is no place to be sick." —Samuel Goldwyn
Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.
Why is green ice cream so serendipitous?
It was mint to be.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Etch.
Etch who?
Bless you.
When my father complained to my mother for never picking or dropping me at school, she looked at him and said, "You are the master of drag and drop, my love". He's an IT specialist...
Wanna partner up so we can test the spring potential of my bed mattress?
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
"I'll have a double cappuccino, half-caf, non-fat milk, with enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing, but not so much that it would leave a mustache."
— Niles Crane
It’s so hot Adam and Eve traded their fig leaves for ice cubes.
Your shirt has to go, but you can stay.
I swear I was born in the wrong generation. Nowadays everyone is addicted to their phones.
I wish I was born in the 80's when everyone was addicted to Cocaine.
My brother sprayed on some of his new deodorant. "How do I smell?" He asked.
"With your nose" I replied.
When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.
It’s so hot that hot water now comes out of both taps.
I’d love to spend some time Matthew
Police chief: Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case? Me: I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress.
Police chief: Please just wear your police uniform.
I accidentally pooped in my pants. Can I get into yours?
The cloud hailed from the sky kingdom.
Do you think anyone will buy the new furniture made by Apple?
iWood
What do you get if you cross a skunk with a bear?
Winnie the PU!
What do you call a monkey with a banana in each ear?
Anything you want, he can’t hear you.
Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
.
“If you think money doesn’t grow on trees, you ain’t checking every limb.” – Chamillionaire
I was thinking whether I should write you or not.. but honestly, there isn’t Hannah-other better choice than to
“Not everybody has to love me. I can’t force you to have good taste.”
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