A friend failed his medical exam when he X-rayed his lower torso.
He didn’t put his heart into it.
Whenever I hear folksy stories about the hills, I can never get over them.
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
Don't be a jerk-o-lantern
I saw some leprechauns putting coins in the vending machine but in vain. They were using lepre-coins.
If you were a tree, you’d be an evergreen, because I bet you look this good year-round.
"I'll have a double cappuccino, half-caf, non-fat milk, with enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing, but not so much that it would leave a mustache."
— Niles Crane
What’s the difference between an iceberg and a clothes brush?
One crushes boats and the other brushes coats!
It’s so hot that corn on the stalks starts popping.
A fairy appears in front of an old man.
"For the good things you've done in your life, I grant you three wishes!"
The old man squints and asks: "Can you speak up a bit? My hearing isn't the best anymore..."
The fairy replies: "SURE! YOU HAVE TWO WISHES!"
"If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger."
— Matthew Dolkart
This Valentine's day, I decided to pay extra and buy flowers that look after themselves.
They are Self Raising.
Love is also like a pineapple: They both are undefinable and sweet.
“Aerodynamics are for people who can’t build engines.”
– Enzo Ferrari
“We interrupt your happiness to bring you Mondays. Don’t worry, you’re regularly scheduled happiness will resume again on Friday.”
Garden centers are attempting to stem a fall in the sale of fresh flowers.
I have a flamingo friend who has a fantastic imagination, but they are always indulging in flights of fancy.
Q: What do you call it when it rains chickens and ducks?
A: Fowl weather.
Q. Why was the lady baboon so atrracted to the big gorilla?
A. 'Cause he had s*x ape-peal.
The only difference between a band teacher and a banned teacher
is what they were bangin
How come there are no automatic cars in Spain?
They’re all Manuel.
What does a baby vampire say before going to bed?
- Turn on the dark, I’m scared of the light.
Someone stole my lawn gnome that was under my porch!
Who would stoop so low?
My wife treats me like a God – every evening at dinner I get a burnt offering.
Do you know why does your mother often shave a peach when cooking? Because she only needs nectarines for the recipe.
I'm acorn-y person.
Wanna see a magic trick? Abrakadabra, you're single now.
What do you call the age of a pilgrim? Pilgrimage.
What’s a goat’s favorite TV show?
America’s Goat Talent.
How long does it take for electricity to travel the length of a 10 car train?
It all depends on the conductor.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
It’s so hot the catfish are already fried when you catch them.
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
Bodies Needed To Look After Graveyard
Don't worry, the Corona Virus won't last long... It was made in China.
I'm so glad our Billy inherited his mother's intelligence
...and I got to keep mine.
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
If I get hooked on you, will you hook up with me?
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
“A man says a lot of things in summer he doesn’t mean in winter.” – Patricia Briggs
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
Do you happen to know sign language? Because this is the last time you’ll hear from me.
What did the axon terminal say to the receptor when they broke up?
I need my space.
Did you see that their is a Medieval play about menstruation?
It's a period piece
What did communists use before candles?
Electricity.
“I talked to a wild group last night. I knew it the minute someone yelled ‘Louder!’ during the silent meditation. – Robert Orben”
Oof – is the Aaron here really fresh or is that just you?
I've already heard seven cancer puns today.
If I hear tumor it's gonna benign.
Mr. and Mrs. Peanut finally got married and tied the nut.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
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