So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made

Grandmother is making the dressing, and is adding several cans of Chicken Broth.

Dad: "You know where you can get that broth in bulk?"

Grandmother: "Where?"

Dad: "The stock market."

He was promptly kicked out of the kitchen.

Will you go penguin sledding with me?

Due to unusually successful harvests of chickpeas this year, the price of hummus is going to fall dramatically.
Buy the dip.

What do you call two male avocados who hang out and drink together?
Avocabros.

Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.

“I have a green thumb. Got it when I dumped out my kale smoothie.”
— John Wagner Maxine

You have two cows, but only milk one. Your friend asks you…
"What about the udder one?"

How does a bear stop a movie?
They hit the paws button.

There's nothing humble about my warrior.

What did the man say after his boss threw cheese, milk, and creamer in his face? How dairy!

I’m a clover, not a fighter.

“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal

All my friends complaint about not feeling good, and are freaking out about their lives, and I’m just like, “There’s Yoga pose for that!” — Unknown

"I Hate Peanut Butter"

These words I say without a stutter:
I hate the taste of peanut butter!
In Reese's chocolate it may stay
But keep the butter far away.
It leaves a lump inside my belly,
It's even worse when paired with jelly!
I hate its texture, hate its smell;
If I go near it, I'm unwell.
My family tells me I'm dramatic
But against PB I stay emphatic.
If you're craving butter thick,
You might as well just eat the stick,
Or wear it as a winter coat
But keep it furthest from your throat!
Last time I ate it, things went south;
My tongue got glued inside my mouth!
If you include it in my lunch,
I'll very likely throw a punch.
I'd gladly eat a Brussels sprout
But keep the peanut butter out!

– Innarenko

I love you and I ain’t lion.

If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?

Why didn't the lemon juice like the soap?
Because he was basic.

“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein

When dad died he left me his Subaru.
It was his final Legacy.

How does a computer learn something new?
Bit by bit.

Let's get out of here and explore the North Pole. I'm a rebel without a Claus.

Did you hear about the girl who put gorilla glue in her hair?
Her stupidity knew no bonds

Are you a 30 degree angle? Because you're acute-y.

Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.

To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
A dull, dark dock, a life-long lock,
A short, sharp shock, a big black block!
To sit in solemn silence in a pestilential prison,
And awaiting the sensation
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!

What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake?
“What’s eating you?”

Who is the worm's Prime Minister? Maggot Thatcher.

“I might look like I am listening to you, but in my mind, I am hiking.”

How does a lumberjack trim his beard?
With a chinsaw.

By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Charles Wadsworth

Do you know why the beaver was found guilty?
Because the prosecutor had damming evidence.

What would you get if you crossed a turkey with an evil spirit? A poultrygeist!

Roses are red
I have a phone
Nobody texts me
Forever Alone.

I went to an English camping party with some vegetables. We stayed in a tea-pea.

What do you think of puns about deer?
“I’m very fawn’d of them myself.”

What do we call two thousand pounds of Chinese soup? It is called won – ton!

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

What is the energy provider’s favorite dance? The electric slide.”

"Does your father sell diamonds? Because you are FLAWLESS!"

“Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." ~ Herman Wouk

One-one was a race horse. Two-two was one too. One-one won one race. Two-two won one too.

What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!

What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? CHICKEN CAESER SALAD.

“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow." ~ Martin Sheen

Why are elephants scared of computers?
Because of the mouse.

If I were Columbus, I would sail day and night to reach the depths of your heart.

What’s a skeleton’s second favorite instrument?
A sax-a-bone.

What does a skunk’s car run on?
Fumes.

Do you know why you need to get up early? Because you’re the sunshine.