“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
– Charles Schulz
The fruit stutters because it suffers from a peach impediment.
Seas the day!
Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you.
Your gloves are nice. Where did you get them?
Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.
Q. Why was the baby gorilla such a big brat?
A. Because his parents are big apes.
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
What do get if you cross a duck and Santa?
A Christmas Quacker.
Did you just hit me with a pitch? I'm feeling faint.
The sweetest and fruitiest historical wonder of the world is the Grape Wall of China.
What do you do if a rabbit keeps pooping in your yard? Take him to a pellet court.
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.”
— Mick Jagger
I sued the airport authorities because they misplaced my belongings
I lost the case
Q: How do you call a magic berry?
A: Cherry Potter.
The artist successfully climbed the highest peak in the country. He attributed his success to the song, 'Paint No Mountain Higher!'
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
It's okay password...
...I'm insecure too...
You might not be America, but I found a whole new world with you.
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
I gave my wife that new gorilla glue chapstick...🦍💄
It left her speechless
Why do physics professors prefer overweight students?
They have greater potential.
I sulfur when you argon.
What game do Ghost children play? Hide and shriek!
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
Where do kittens learn to move around? On the catwalk
Good gourd, pumpkin spice latte season is officially here.
How long have I loved you? I’ve lost track.
Hey babe, wanna make a zygote?
My orchestra buddy wanted to bring his fiddle to a protest. I told him not to.
In a peaceful protest, there's no need for violins.
How did the blind guy from Denver enjoy a bit of apres skiing on Lookout Mountain during the last white-out?
He brought along his skiing-eye dog.
What do you call a tree with no tinsel, baubles, or topping?
A tree.
Whats the preferred car of frogs?
The Beetle.
How does a Snowman get to work?
By icicle.
Can I have your number so I can call when I need a ride to your heart?
The school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, while the locomotive says “Choo Choo Choo!”
“Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.”
Steve Martin
What do you call a medieval siege machine that throws flowers?
A trebouquet
"People that insist upon drinking and driving, are putting the quart before the hearse."
– Gilbert K. Chesterton
What do you call a panda who’s lost his dinner?
Bamboozled.
What did Sophocles call his dating service in Ancient Greece?
Oedipal Arrangements.
I like playing chess with old people in the park, but it gets hard to find 32 of them each time.
Are you a fairy? Because you are the fulfillment of all my wishes.
How does a snake shoot something?
With a boa and arrow.
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
My pet cow thinks she produces almond milk. She must be nuts.
I love making new friends.
That’s why I studied under Dr. Frankenstein.
Why was the software engineer bankrupt? He’d used all his cache.
What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
How does the tooth fairy survive a hurricane? She braces for it.
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